My book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, first appeared on Amazon.com on October 18th. “Finally,” I thought to myself, “revolutionaries from all over will have a chance to purchase this revolutionary guidebook at the world’s largest online marketplace.” I then took some aspirin and took a nap, because every time I think to myself, I get a migraine.
When my book first debuted on Amazon, its Amazon Sales Rank was #402,558. Not bad, right? If there’s one thing revolutionaries enjoy more than finding a buy-two-bayonets-for-the-price-of-one coupon, it’s having a high Amazon Sales Rank. In fact, it was William Wallace, the famous Scottish knight and revolutionary, who once was recorded as saying during the Wars of Scottish Independence: “Scotland just passed England on the Amazon Sales Rank! Take that, you bastards!” England responded by hanging, drawing, and quartering Wallace.
Some people clearly take their Amazon Sales Rank a little too seriously.
Although my book debuted on Amazon at 402,588th place, it has since slipped all the way to 2,042,483th place in the past few weeks, as you can see in this graph:
No, your eyes are not deceiving you (unless you’re wearing x-ray glasses). My book has dropped 1,639,925 places on the Amazon Sales Rank.
For those of you who can’t read italics, I will repeat the previous sentence: My book has dropped 1,639,925 places on the Amazon Sales Rank.
THAT’S RIGHT, REVOLUTIONARIES. YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT PURCHASING MANY COPIES OF MY BOOK, AS YOU SHOULD BE. Don’t you know that some people have referred to my book as “the quintessential bible for all revolutionaries . . . this should be on every revolutionary’s bookshelf.” (some people = me).
Now I know what you’re thinking right now: “Is Ryan telepathic?” No, I am not. But I’m going to guess at what you’re thinking. And what you’re thinking is this: “How does Revolutions for Fun and Profit! compare to Sarah Palin’s new book?” Funny you should ask.
No, your eyes are still not deceiving you (seriously, take off those damn x-ray glasses).
What does this all mean? YOU, THE REVOLUTIONARIES OF AMERICA, CLEARLY HAVE YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU. If want to start a revolution, then you will need to recruit people to fight for your cause. But not just any people. People who have read my book. Also, people who own several copies of the book. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to friends. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to your family. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to David Sedaris, or staff writers for The Onion. You can even buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to place in open caskets at funeral homes. (note to self: this is a good idea).
It is imperative, for the future of America, that we move Revolutions for Fun and Profit! higher up the Amazon Sales Rank.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fry up a few eggs for some reason.