Revolutionaries You Should Avoid: Shia LaBeouf

shiaMany people are surprised to learn that the Department of Defense classifies Shia LaBeouf as a revolutionary. Then again, many people are also surprised to learn that the Earth revolves around the Sun (this is not proven). The point is, people are very easy to surprise. That is why 83% of all parties are surprise parties. The remaining 17% are Tupperware parties. At least according to the Department of Defense.

If Shia LaBeouf is a revolutionary, why must he be avoided? He must be avoided for one reason, and one reason only: He wants to kill you. The second reason? He’s a bad actor. (It’s important to note that some people may disagree with the fact that Shia LaBeouf is a bad actor, and these people are, as the French say, ‘wrong.’)

Anyone who knows Shia LaBeouf well knows that he enjoys kicking ass, being awesome, and drinking. He usually does all three while driving. Rumors have surfaced for years (at least since the mid-70’s) that he punched a guy in the face, auditioned for a Michael Bay film, drank a six-pack of Coors Light, and did a mid-air somersault over a DUI, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Can you do a mid-air somersault over a DUI? Of course not. Then again, you don’t want to kill people. And Shia LaBeouf does.

STAY AWAY FROM REVOLUTIONARY SHIA LABEOUF. He’s dangerous and he’s lethal. Now sure, some people may say that ‘dangerous’ and ‘lethal’ mean the same things, but some people are also surprised to learn that the Earth revolves around the Sun.

Wait, we already established that.

(Have you reserved your copy of Reservations for Fun and Profit yet?)

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