Archive for October, 2009

Have a Safe and Revolutionary Halloween (Don’t Die!)

Posted in Revolutionary Death, Revolutionary Halloween, Revolutionary Murder, Revolutionary Swine Flu on October 31, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Hey kids, here are some of the instruments people use to kill other people:

AXE
Axe

BASEBALL BAT
baseball bats

GUN
Gun

ICE PICK
Ice pick

POISON
Poison

RAZOR BLADE
razor_blade

SWINE FLU
Woman with Pumpkin

You’ll probably die from one of these things. Have a safe and happy Halloween, everybody!

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My Mom Is More Revolutionary Than Your Mom

Posted in Revolutionary Birthday, Revolutionary Mother on October 30, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Exactly 21 years ago today, a wonderful woman came into this world. This woman would later go on to give birth to me, your resident revolutions expert. The fact that my mother is 21 years old and I am 28 years old is irrelevant. Just accept it.

Revolutionaries don’t lie.

I’d like to wish a very Happy 21st Birthday to my wonderful mother, Denise!

Mom's Birthday

If it weren’t for her I never would have been born. And if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t know anything about revolutions. So in other words, if you don’t like my book, or this blog, it’s my mother’s fault.

More Last Minute Revolutionary Halloween Tips

Posted in Revolution Trick-Or-Treating, Revolutionary Halloween on October 29, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

I Hate ChildrenFellow revolutionaries:

As you probably know, Halloween is only TWO days away. To put this into perspective, think about the fact that there were exactly TWO World Wars. If that strange coincidence doesn’t make you ponder your mortality, then nothing will.

Except for Arby’s. Every time I eat at Arby’s, I question my mortality. And intelligence.

Halloween may only be TWO days away, but that still leaves you with plenty of time to get ready for the big holiday, correct? INCORRECT. Or, if you graduated from high school in Arkansas, UNCORRECT. You should have prepared for Halloween weeks ago! Months ago! In fact, I know a guy who started preparing for Halloween in 1967!

God bless Walter Cronkite’s soul.

Fear not, for yesterday I provided you, the revolutionary, with essential last minute, revolutionary Halloween tips. Want some more tips? Here are some more tips. You’re welcome.

MORE LAST MINUTE REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIPS

  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Want to bob for apples at your revolutionary Halloween party, but all the Apple stores are completely out of stock? Try bobbing for pumpkins instead. While your political enemy tries to fish the pumpkin out of the basin of water with his teeth, you simply have to give the back of his head a light push and the weight of the pumpkin does the rest. Not only does this result in a dead political enemy, but pumpkin seeds are tasty when lightly toasted with cinnamon!
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: We live in a dangerous world these days. In fact, it was just last week that my own grandmother was mugged while at the grocery store! (Yes, I was the one who did the mugging, but she had it coming). How do you keep your children safe while trick-or-treating late at night? Why not arm your children? You are a revolutionary, correct? Correct. And what do revolutionaries have lots of? Guns. Why not share a few with your offspring? Ok. Statistics show that not only are children who carry firearms less likely to be mugged, but they are also less likely to have children themselves. Why is this? Because they’re probably dead.
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Looking for the perfect Halloween soundtrack to play at your revolutionary Halloween party, but frustrated that the selection has been picked over at Ye Olde Halloween Soundtrack Shoppe? Might I suggest the following CD, which is certainly to scare the crap out of anyone who hears it:

Bob Dylan

Last Minute Revolutionary Halloween Tips

Posted in Revolutionary Costumes, Revolutionary Ghosts, Revolutionary Halloween on October 28, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries,

Are you ready for Halloween? You better be, because it’s right around the corner! Not only is it right around the corner, but it’s waiting for you… with a baseball bat. Did I just compare Halloween to a mugger? YES I DID.

Ideally, the modern revolutionary would have finished his or her preparations for this year’s Halloween sometime around July. To be specific, July 1993. This is a big holiday for revolutionaries, because it’s one of the few holidays where recruiting for your political revolution – while dressed like a slutty cat – is not only legal, but encouraged.

Have you failed to prepare for Halloween, because you’re the type of revolutionary who waits until the last minute to procrastinate? Fear not, for here are a few tips to help the modern revolutionary prepare for Halloween when he or she has a lot of guillotines but little time.

  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Want to feed poisioned Halloween candy to your political enemies, but don’t have the time to make the poisoned candy yourself? Buy your candy at Wal-Mart. Most of their candy is lead-based, because it comes from China. You don’t even have to take it out of the packaging!
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Need a last-minute costume, but disappointed that all the Che Guevara and Transformers masks are out of stock? Simply put on a diaper and tell people you’re Mahatma Ghandi. It also helps if you don’t eat for the entire day before your Halloween party.
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Looking for some ghosts to transform your regular house into a haunted house for your revolutionary Halloween party? Invite as many celebrities as possible. There is a 84% chance that any given celebrity will die at a party, thus automatically making your house haunted.

Check back later for more last minute revolutionary Halloween tips!

Revolutionary Ken Sanders and Non-Revolutionary Ken Sanders

Posted in Revolutionary Bookseller, Revolutionary Bookstore, Revolutionary Ken Sanders on October 27, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Ken Sanders BooksellerThis is Ken Sanders. He is a bookseller. He owns Ken Sanders Rare Books, in Salt Lake City.

He now sells my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! I strongly suggest that you visit his store – which is located at 268 South 200 East, Salt Lake City, UT – and buy my book. Afterwards, be sure to take some time looking around his store. A true bibliophile can lose hours, perusing the many wonderful books he’s collected over the decades.

Ken Sanders BaseballThis is also Ken Sanders. He is a baseball player. He used to be a pitcher for the California Angels.

This Ken Sanders doesn’t sell my book, so screw him.

Meeting David Sedaris is Revolutionary

Posted in Revolutionary Book Signing, Revolutionary Capitol Theatre, Revolutionary David Sedaris on October 26, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

SedarisDid you meet David Sedaris over the weekend and give him a copy of your book? WELL I DID, SO THERE.

Don’t feel bad that my weekend was better than yours. If it makes you feel better, I’ve never been to Paris, I have seven webbed toes, and I died sometime in the 1970’s from lead poisoning.

So I guess we’re even.

As I mentioned, I met David Sedaris over the weekend and gave him a copy of my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!. He came to Salt Lake City and spoke at the Capitol Theatre and was just as funny and charming as you would expect him to be.

After his reading, Sedaris signed books and met fans. I waited in line and when it was my turn, I asked him to sign his book Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim. After he signed it, I then told him that I was a struggling writer myself (not to imply that David Sedaris is also a struggling writer, but, um, hey did someone turn the heat up in here?) and asked him if he would accept a copy of my book.

The following is the actual transcript of my conversation with David Sedaris:

DAVID: “Thank you very much! What is your book about?”

ME: “Um… er…”

DAVID: “Are you going on a book tour?”

ME: “Duh… I… well…”

DAVID: “Who is your publisher?”

ME: “Uh… ah… pbtbtbtbtltltltlt…”

DAVID: “Well good luck with your book!”

Our conversation kind of reminds me of that time when I met Pablo Picasso in the 1920’s as a child and naïvely gave him the childrens’ menu from Denny’s, which I had colored in myself.

Support the Revolutionary Utah Humanities Book Festival

Posted in Revolutionary Book Festival, Revolutionary Utah Humanities Council on October 24, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

BookFestivalLogoFellow revolutionaries:

This announcement is unrelated to Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, but it IS related to books – so read it anyway.

If you live in Salt Lake City, if you enjoy books, and if you enjoy reading books, then don’t miss the 12th Annual Utah Humanities Book Festival, today and tomorrow at the Salt Lake City Library.

Come on by and support your local booksellers, authors, and fellow bibliophiles!

12th Annual Utah Humanities Book Festival
October 24th, 10:30 pm – 9:00 pm
October 25th, 1:00 pm – 5:00 pm

Salt Lake City Library
210 East 400 South
Salt Lake City, UT

For more information, please visit the Utah Humanities Council’s website.