More Last Minute Revolutionary Halloween Tips

I Hate ChildrenFellow revolutionaries:

As you probably know, Halloween is only TWO days away. To put this into perspective, think about the fact that there were exactly TWO World Wars. If that strange coincidence doesn’t make you ponder your mortality, then nothing will.

Except for Arby’s. Every time I eat at Arby’s, I question my mortality. And intelligence.

Halloween may only be TWO days away, but that still leaves you with plenty of time to get ready for the big holiday, correct? INCORRECT. Or, if you graduated from high school in Arkansas, UNCORRECT. You should have prepared for Halloween weeks ago! Months ago! In fact, I know a guy who started preparing for Halloween in 1967!

God bless Walter Cronkite’s soul.

Fear not, for yesterday I provided you, the revolutionary, with essential last minute, revolutionary Halloween tips. Want some more tips? Here are some more tips. You’re welcome.


  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Want to bob for apples at your revolutionary Halloween party, but all the Apple stores are completely out of stock? Try bobbing for pumpkins instead. While your political enemy tries to fish the pumpkin out of the basin of water with his teeth, you simply have to give the back of his head a light push and the weight of the pumpkin does the rest. Not only does this result in a dead political enemy, but pumpkin seeds are tasty when lightly toasted with cinnamon!
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: We live in a dangerous world these days. In fact, it was just last week that my own grandmother was mugged while at the grocery store! (Yes, I was the one who did the mugging, but she had it coming). How do you keep your children safe while trick-or-treating late at night? Why not arm your children? You are a revolutionary, correct? Correct. And what do revolutionaries have lots of? Guns. Why not share a few with your offspring? Ok. Statistics show that not only are children who carry firearms less likely to be mugged, but they are also less likely to have children themselves. Why is this? Because they’re probably dead.
  • REVOLUTIONARY HALLOWEEN TIP: Looking for the perfect Halloween soundtrack to play at your revolutionary Halloween party, but frustrated that the selection has been picked over at Ye Olde Halloween Soundtrack Shoppe? Might I suggest the following CD, which is certainly to scare the crap out of anyone who hears it:

Bob Dylan


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