The Secret Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Fellow revolutionaries:

Today is BLACK FRIDAY, otherwise known as the beginning of the holiday shopping season. But do you know how Black Friday came into existence? Before you get trapped by the Black Friday sales that will both entice, in-tice, and out-tice you to part with your money, be sure to first learn about Black Friday’s brief yet revolutionary history.

The Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Black Friday was founded in 1348 by Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, a portly man who lived with a harem of under aged midget prostitutes (they didn’t always have the same midget child labor laws that we have today). Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, who went by the nickname “Richy Dick” because of his enormous wealth and his abnormally large ankles, was not only a senior ecclesiastical official in the Catholic Church, but was also an assistant manager at the Wal-Mart on Harrison Avenue in Kearny, New Jersey.

After a few years, Richy Dick began to notice an emerging and alarming trend: both Protestants and Scientologists, arm-in-arm, would often stop by their neighborhood Target stores the day after Thanksgiving, in order to recover from their tryptophan-laced Thanksgiving meal of turkey and sleeping pills. This is when he began to concoct a plan – one which would turn out to be his most lethal plan ever (well, if you don’t count the ‘shooting a bow & arrow while receiving electroshock therapy’ plan).

Teaming up with scientists and diseaseologists from around the world, Richy Dick, who went by the nickname “Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu,” unleashed a bacterium upon the unsuspecting public which would later be come to known as the Black Death, or Yersinia Pestis for short. The Black Death ended up wiping out one-third of the European population between 1347 and 1353, and brought to an immediate end the tradition of Protestants and Scientologists visiting Target stores the day after Thanksgiving.

In honor of Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu’s contribution in eradicating a third of the population with the Black Death, Wal-Mart declared that the Friday after every Thanksgiving would be named “Black Friday.” The holiday was later christened in 1407 by Pope Gregory XII, who declared that the holiday would be celebrated with “door-busting holiday sales” and “lots and lots of deaths.”

Now that you know the history of Black Friday, don’t forget to purchase the Best Holiday Gift of All™.

Advertisements

2 Responses to “The Secret Revolutionary History of “Black Friday””

  1. […] Black Friday was founded in howsyourrevolution.wordpress.com […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: