Non-revolutionary Fashion for a Revolutionary Photo Shoot

I’m going to be shot at a photo shoot tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’ll wear my bulletproof vest (it prevents bullets and unflattering pictures).

The photo shoot is for something that will be appear in a local publication in relation to my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! I probably shouldn’t write too much about the photo shoot until after it is actually published, only because I have a tendency of jinxing things by writing about them before they happen. For example, I once wrote on my blog that a friend of mine was planning on seeing Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre… chaos ensued… and now you know why Abraham Lincoln was assassinated. Sorry, everybody.

Me and my big mouth.

So while I shouldn’t mention what this photo shoot is for until after the actual pictures are published, I will however mention that I’m a little anxious about what to wear. When I asked the publication what clothes I should bring, I was told “Wear whatever you want. Preferably, clothes.” THAT DOESN’T HELP ME. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? One thing that I completely neglected to mention in the book Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is that revolutionaries aren’t very classy dressers. They tend to wear whatever is lying on the floor, whether it be an ironic “Dukes of Hazzard” t-shirt, or an empty potato sack. (hint: if forced to choose between wearing the “Dukes of Hazzard” t-shirt or the empty potato sack, wear the potato sack).

So you can see my dilemma. Revolutionaries from all over will be looking to me for fashion inspiration, and if I wear anything that even remotely looks like conformity, I’ll be done for. Can you imagine if U.S. president and revolutionary, George Washington, had worn a mock turtleneck during the American Revolution? Or what if his belt had matched his sensible shoes when he crossed the Potomac River? We wouldn’t be here today.

So, fellow revolutionaries, I ask you: what should I wear for my revolutionary photo shoot tomorrow?

Et Tu, Che Guevara?

Fellow revolutionaries:

As you already know, I have a long-standing feud with The Onion, for rejecting not one, not two, not four, but THREE of my applications to write for them. Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that although The Onion is supposedly “America’s Finest News Source,” my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is “America’s Finest Source on Revolutions.™” (I don’t actually know if that phrase that is trademarked, but I put a little ™ after it, so the issue is settled)

So imagine my horror when I learned that Che Guevara, of all people, posed for a picture by The Onion of himself wearing himself, which they now sell on t-shirts, on t-shirts.

Is nothing holy?! Aside from Vatican City, or swiss cheese? (rimshot) You are dead to me, Che Guevara.

You’ve been legally dead to everyone else since 1967.

I Jumped on the Revolutionary Bandwagon and Joined GoodReads.com

I know, I know. I was late to jump on the GoodReads bandwagon. In my defense, I’ve never been very good at bandwagon jumping. In fact, trying to jump an abnormally large bandwagon in 1863 is how I broke my ankle. And now you know why I walk with a limp. (And a cane.) (And a seeing-eye dog.) (And an umbrella, in case it rains.) (And Tic Tacs) (And a spare key to the storage shed.) (And a book of early 19th century French poetry.) (Sometimes I wish I had something to carry all my stuff in.) (You know, like a bandwagon.)

GoodReads is a fantastic website, for those of you (communists?) (non-readers?) who are not familiar with it. It allows you to share books you’ve read in the past and books you want to read in the future with your friends and family. I joined the website only last week, and have already lost countless hours – if not minutes – adding all the books I hope to someday read.

And to answer the question which you were obviously about to ask, YES. My book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! IS on GoodReads.

So what are you waiting for? If you enjoy books, if you enjoy websites, or if you simply enjoy websites about books, then visit www.GoodReads.com and set up an account.

And if you already have an account on GoodReads, then add Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to your “to-read” list.

And if you already have an account on GoodReads, and you’ve already added Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to your “to-read” list? Then you better start your holiday shopping, because Christmas is right around the corner.

I hope I get a bandwagon for Christmas. I love those things.

Outwitted By the Non-Revolutionary ‘Life’ Magazine

Dammit! ONCE AGAIN, I’ve been outsmarted by Life magazine.

I’ve believed for a long time that the whole “revolutions are popular” trend in which society finds itself was started by none other than me. I naively believed that the whole world was awash in revolution-starting mania, and that I was directly responsible for this revolutionary-starting fever (it’s worse than the swine flu).

As it turns out, I WASN’T the first person to ever write about ‘revolutions.’ Life magazine has me beat… by 40 years!

40 years!!

To put that into perspective, that’s 12 years older than me, and 83 years younger than Larry King (he’s so old, his suspenders were used when they built the pyramids in Egypt! Hahahahaha!) (just kidding, that doesn’t make sense).

I was surfing the Internet™ the other day for Canadian hemorrhoidal cream (we are in a recession, after all), when I came across the following copy of Life magazine, dated October 10, 1969:

What’s this? Life magazine wrote a story called A New Series: Revolution… 40 years before my book was released?! But WHERE’S THE FUN?! And WHERE’S THE PROFIT?!

Touché, Life magazine. Touché.

You may have won the battle, Life magazine, but you haven’t won the war. And if you DO win the war as well? Then I challenge you to a costume contest.

Sorry Everyone, the Guy Fawkes Party Is Canceled

OH NO!! I forgot Guy Fawkes Day last week! I have been doing a terrible job recently of remembering all the revolutionary holidays, like Guy Fawkes Day, Berlin Wall Falling Down Day, and Secretaries Day.

Sorry… I mean Administrative Professionals’ Day! I hope you don’t think I’m politically incorrect. (My dumb secretary was supposed to catch the mistake. Looks like no Secretaries Day for her next year.)

Every year on Guy Fawkes Day, I invite all my revolution friends over for a night of drinks and games, such as “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” and “Let’s Shave Natalie Portman’s Head.” I was hoping that this would be the year where we start a new tradition of robbing a bank while wearing Guy Fawkes and Richard Nixon masks.

Guess I’ll have to wait until next year.

This Amazon Sales Rank Is Not That Revolutionary

Fellow revolutionaries:

My book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, first appeared on Amazon.com on October 18th. “Finally,” I thought to myself, “revolutionaries from all over will have a chance to purchase this revolutionary guidebook at the world’s largest online marketplace.” I then took some aspirin and took a nap, because every time I think to myself, I get a migraine.

When my book first debuted on Amazon, its Amazon Sales Rank was #402,558. Not bad, right? If there’s one thing revolutionaries enjoy more than finding a buy-two-bayonets-for-the-price-of-one coupon, it’s having a high Amazon Sales Rank. In fact, it was William Wallace, the famous Scottish knight and revolutionary, who once was recorded as saying during the Wars of Scottish Independence: “Scotland just passed England on the Amazon Sales Rank! Take that, you bastards!” England responded by hanging, drawing, and quartering Wallace.

Some people clearly take their Amazon Sales Rank a little too seriously.

Although my book debuted on Amazon at 402,588th place, it has since slipped all the way to 2,042,483th place in the past few weeks, as you can see in this graph:

No, your eyes are not deceiving you (unless you’re wearing x-ray glasses). My book has dropped 1,639,925 places on the Amazon Sales Rank.

For those of you who can’t read italics, I will repeat the previous sentence: My book has dropped 1,639,925 places on the Amazon Sales Rank.

THAT’S RIGHT, REVOLUTIONARIES. YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT PURCHASING MANY COPIES OF MY BOOK, AS YOU SHOULD BE. Don’t you know that some people have referred to my book as “the quintessential bible for all revolutionaries . . . this should be on every revolutionary’s bookshelf.” (some people = me).

Now I know what you’re thinking right now: “Is Ryan telepathic?” No, I am not. But I’m going to guess at what you’re thinking. And what you’re thinking is this: “How does Revolutions for Fun and Profit! compare to Sarah Palin’s new book?” Funny you should ask.

No, your eyes are still not deceiving you (seriously, take off those damn x-ray glasses).

What does this all mean? YOU, THE REVOLUTIONARIES OF AMERICA, CLEARLY HAVE YOUR WORK CUT OUT FOR YOU. If want to start a revolution, then you will need to recruit people to fight for your cause. But not just any people. People who have read my book. Also, people who own several copies of the book. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to friends. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to your family. Buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to give to David Sedaris, or staff writers for The Onion. You can even buy copies of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to place in open caskets at funeral homes. (note to self: this is a good idea).

It is imperative, for the future of America, that we move Revolutions for Fun and Profit! higher up the Amazon Sales Rank.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fry up a few eggs for some reason.

Happy Veterans Day to Revolutionaries (and Veterans)

In light of the fact that today is Veterans Day, the following blog post is meant for veterans only. Do NOT read this if you are not a veteran. Go get ice cream or go to the Gap or something.

Veterans:

As someone who is an expert on all things revolutionary, I understand the sacrifices you’ve made in your lifetime. Our country is here because of your willingness to fight in everything ranging from World War II to the War on Christmas, and I am deeply grateful for all you’ve done for the American people.

To show my gratitude to you on this Veterans Day, I would like you to have this cake. No, really. Go ahead and have it. It’s my gift to you, for serving your country, and for being a true revolutionary.

I never said it was a good cake.

Happy (Belated) Berlin Wall Falling Down Day!

Like most years, Berlin Wall Falling Down Day was pretty quiet for me. Not only did I not bother to put up a Berlin Wall tree for yesterday’s holiday, but I even forgot to carve a Mikhail Gorbachev-o-lantern! Don’t worry, I did fill the pumpkin with vodka.

Imagine my embarrassment then, when I learned that not only was yesterday Berlin Wall Falling Down Day, but that it was also the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall falling down (go boom). Of all the days for a revolutionary to become apathetic… and I chose yesterday. I should have my revolutionary card revoked. That is, if I hadn’t left it at Subway last week (the revolutionary punch card and the Subway punch card look very similar).

Revolutionaries are celebrating in Germany this week by throwing parades, attending parties, and speaking German. But you know what? You don’t live in Germany (unverified). So for all you Americans who take John F. Kennedy’s famous “Ich bin ein Berliner” literally and wish to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, I’ve provided you with a picture of Germany’s president, as well as the lyrics to Germany’s national anthem. You’re welcome, readers!!

Or as they say in Germany: “You’re velcome, wienerschnitzel!”

The Star Spangled Banner

Oh, sagen können Sie durch frühe Licht der Dämmerung sehen
Was so stolz wir begrüßt bei der Dämmerung Das Ultimatum?
Wessen breite Streifen und helle Sterne durch die gefährlichen Kampf,
O’er die Wälle beobachteten wir waren so tapfer Streaming?
Und die Rakete roten Schein, den Bomben platzen in der Luft,
Bewies durch die Nacht, dass unsere Flagge noch da war.
Oh, heißt, dass Star-Spangled Banner noch Welle
O’er das Land der Freien und der Heimat der Tapferen?

Am Ufer, schwach durch den Nebel der Tiefe zu sehen,
Wo der Feind ist stolzer Gastgeber in Angst vor Stille ruht,
Was ist das, was die Brise, o’er die hoch aufragenden steilen,
Da es unruhig Schläge, halb verdeckt, halb enthüllt?
Jetzt erwischt es den Glanz der ersten Strahl des Morgens,
In voller Pracht reflektiert nun scheint in den Strom:
‘Tis The Star-Spangled Banner! Oh lange kann es Welle
O’er das Land der Freien und der Heimat der Tapferen!

Und wo ist das Band, die schworen, so vauntingly
Das war die Verwüstung des Krieges und der Schlacht Verwirrung,
Ein Haus und ein Land verlassen sollten uns nicht mehr!
Ihr Blut hat ausgewaschen Verschmutzung ihrer Foul Spuren.
Keine Zuflucht konnte retten die Söldner-und Slave –
Von den Schrecken der Flucht oder dem Dunkel des Grabes:
Und die Star-Spangled Banner im Triumph tut Welle
O’er das Land der Freien und der Heimat der Tapferen!

Oh! So sei es immer, wenn Freien kandidieren will, muss
Zwischen ihren geliebten Heimat und der Krieg der Verwüstung!
Gesegnet mit Sieg und Frieden, kann die heav’n gerettet Land
Lob der Macht, die gemacht hat und uns behütet einer Nation.
Dann erobern, müssen wir unsere Sache, wenn sie gerecht ist,
Und das ist unser Motto: “Auf Gott vertrauen wir.”
Und die Star-Spangled Banner in siegen Welle
O’er das Land der Freien und der Heimat der Tapferen!

Happy (belated) Berlin Wall Falling Down Day!

Revolutionary Crisis… Averted!

Fellow revolutionaries:

You’ll be happy to know that the encounter between The Onion and I last Saturday was absolutely free of incident. I didn’t threaten John Harris and Chad Nakers (staff writers for The Onion) with violence, and they didn’t threaten me with a restraining order. I politely gave them a copy of my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, wished them the best of luck in all their endeavors, and waited until I was in the safe confines of the parking lot before I flipped them off.

Because that’s what classy revolutionaries do.

Tonight, There Will Be Revolutionary Blood

Today is the day we’ve been waiting for. And by “we,” I mean “just me.” And by “just me,” I mean “529-37-7163 is my social security number.”

Just so that we’re clear.

As I wrote earlier in the week, John Harris and Chad Nakers, staff writers for The Onion, are speaking at the Salt Lake City Library tonight as part of the Dewey Lecture series. And as I mentioned, I am not a big fan of The Onion because they’ve rejected my application 3 times. Needless to say, tonight will be a clash of two adversaries, not unlike that time when David ran into Goliath at the malt shop and threw down the smack because they were both wearing the same poodle skirt. Geez, that sure was embarrassing! And bloody.

Do I plan on giving The Onion a piece of mind tonight? I sure do. Do I plan on giving them a copy of my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit! with reckless abandon? Absolutely. Do I plan on wearing my poodle skirt? No, because my poodle skirt is currently traveling the United States with the J. Edgar Hoover Memorial Tour.

If you live in Salt Lake City, and would like to attend the The Onion lecture tonight at the library, you may acquire more information by following this link. But be warned: There will be blood.

Starring Daniel Day-Lewis.