Archive for December, 2009

Winners of the Revolutionary Book Giveaway Have ALMOST Been Announced

Posted in Revolutionary Book Giveaway, Revolutionary Pink Dress, Revolutionary Testicle Cancer on December 30, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

As you know, all good things must come to an end (with the exception of Larry King) (because he’s really old) (seriously, he’s like 400 years old) (I wish he was my grandfather) (he’s been alive for so long, he’s probably everyone’s grandfather).

And that is why “The 12 Revolutionary Days of (+4 Extra Days) of Christmas Book Giveaway, Sponsored by Goodreads.com” has ended.

But good news: the three winners have been chosen!

I’m still waiting to hear back from one of the three winners, so I’ll announce all three winners later this week. I had to change one of the winners because it turns out I’m dating one of the winners… although they were chosen at random… and it was really funny… and well you just had to be there… and by the way, sorry to hear about your testicle cancer.

Speaking of testicle cancer, this picture of three individuals – including the woman in the pink dress – is not a picture of the three winners. I’m simply including it so that you know what not to wear to a funeral.

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A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: December

Posted in Revolutionary December, Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 on December 29, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

YOU MADE IT!!! YOU REACHED THE END OF THE YEAR!!! THROUGH A DELICATE COMBINATION OF MY BLOG-POSTING AND YOUR DELICATE BLOG-READING (but let’s be honest: mostly my blog-posting), YOU AND I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY REVIEWED EVERY SINGLE MONTH OF THE YEAR 2009.

Like all years that have come before this one (exception: 1987), this year will end with the month of December.

So, after already reviewing the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October and November, you can now review the most revolutionary month of them all.

Only then… will you know what it means to be a champion.

Only then… will you know what it means to be a hero.

Only then… will you know what it means to be a revolutionary.

Only then… will you know how many bowls of Frosted Sugar Loops does it take to equal the nutrients found in one bowl of Total.

The answer is four bowls. But it totally depends on the type of milk you use.

The last month in the Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009…

DECEMBER

  • President Obama announced he would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan.
  • Then President Obama accepted the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Still not satisfied that he was the most ironic man alive, Obama grew a moustache, moved to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, joined an indie rock band, bought a pair of skinny jeans, and became a hipster.
  • Houston elected Annise Parker as mayor, thus making history as the largest U.S. history to elect an openly gay mayor. Parker announced that her goals as mayor were to put a Home Depot on every corner, require all women to wear plaid shirts, and to eliminate offensive stereotypes about gay people.
  • Tiger Woods announced he was taking an indefinite break from golf, to spend more time with the ladies.
  • A woman knocked over the pope during the Christmas Mass. Although to be honest, he really is too old to be walking around on stilts anyway.
  • A meteor hit the Earth, destroying all life and inhabitants, except for the cockroaches and the Wal-Marts.

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S, EVERYONE!!!! May you have a very revolutionary 2010!!!! That is, if you haven’t died. Which is very likely.

In which case, NEVER MIND!!!!

(Other months in “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009”)

A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: November

Posted in Revolutionary November, Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 on December 28, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

“WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIENDS!” That’s what you should be singing, since we are almost at the end of A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009. We’ve already covered the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September and October. Do you realize what this means?

You are a terrible singer.

NOVEMBER

  • Michael Bloomberg won a third term as New York City Mayor, proving that money CAN buy happiness, friendship, admiration, respect, a third term in office, and a solid gold toilet.
  • The voters of Maine passed Proposition 1, rejecting same-sex marriage. So, no plagues for Maine.
  • Germany marked the 20th anniversary of the Berlin Wall with a large cake that had been split into two. One half of the cake was filled with an oppressive socialist state, while the other half was filled with chocolate.
  • The United States opened its first marijuana café in Portland, Oregon. For some reason, it opened four hours late.
  • Sarah Palin’s memoir, Going Rogue, was released nationwide into the public, although scientists vowed to find a cure.
  • Oprah Winfrey announced she will end her talk show in 2011. Her critics immediately accused her of setting a timetable for withdrawal from Chicago.

(Other months in “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009”)

A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: October

Posted in Revolutionary October, Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 on December 27, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Do you know what comes after the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, and September in my Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009?

Twelve Drummers Drumming!!!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

I really hope you enjoyed that little post-Christmas joke. I’ll have you know, many men died to secure the freedoms we currently take for granted, just so that we may share jokes such as this. And how many men died, you may ask?

Twelve!!!!!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Speaking of dead people, here’s a review of the month of October:

OCTOBER

  • David Letterman announced on his show that he had sex with a number of female employees over the years. The next day, Conan O’Brian, fearing his competing late night show would be outpaced in the ratings, announced that he was a transvestite prostitute.
  • The International Olympic Committee awarded the 2016 Summer Olympics to Rio de Janeiro after Chicago had a disappointing performance in the swimsuit competition.
  • The United States Federal Trade Commission issued specific regulations for writers for blogs, which I believe is fair and just. In fact, I, for one, welcome our new internet overlords.
  • Another ring around Saturn was discovered by scientists at the U.S. Space Agency Observatory, leading researchers to believe that Saturn – with its many rings – may secretly be a polygamist.
  • President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize, narrowly beating out Marily Streep for her role in the acclaimed film Doubt.
  • President Obama announced the end of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” at a fundraising dinner for the Human Rights Campaign in Washington. Some later pointed out that he never actually told when he would end the policy, as nobody had asked him.
  • Some kid was in a weather balloon and then he wasn’t and then his parents tried to have a reality tv show and then the kid was on CNN and admitted he was hiding in the attic and then the parents were arrested for fooling the media and God bless America.

(Other months in “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009”)

A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: September

Posted in Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009, Revolutionary September on December 26, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

I hope all of you had a very merry Christmas yesterday! Unless you’re Jewish. In which case, Happy Halloween!

Are you looking for A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009, now that Christmas is over? Well, you’ve come to the right place! Now sure, technically a website isn’t a ‘place’ anymore than it is a neurosurgeon. But do you know what a website and a neurosurgeon have in common? They both have trophy wives.

Don’t ask me how I know these things. I just do.

I’ve already reviewed the months of January, February, March, April, May, June and July and August, which means it’s time for:

SEPTEMBER

  • U.S. Representative Joe Wilson interrupted President Obama’s address to Congress about health care by shouting “You lie!” Then he texted Kanye West, saying “OMG, I totally just did it! You owe me $20 bucks.”
  • Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift on live national television at the 2009 MTV Music Video Awards, as she received the award for Best Female Video. Then he texted Rep. Joe Wilson, saying “Lol, I just did it too! You owe me $20 bucks.”
  • Patrick Swayze, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 57.
  • Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced that the recession had ended. Congratulations everybody, we did it!
  • The final episode of Guiding Light aired, after being on the air for 72 years. Then it was taken behind the barn, given a sugar cube, and put out of its misery.
  • Roman Polanski was arrested in Zurich on a 31-year old U.S. arrest warrant, for committing sexual assault on a thirteen-year old girl in 1977. Although the Oscar-winning director was grateful, he decided to decline the nomination to go to jail, saying that more talented directors deserved the honor for their work.

(Other months in “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009”)

Have a Very Revolutionary Christmas!

Posted in Revolutionary Christmas, Revolutionary Math, Revolutionary Santa on December 25, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Have a very revolutionary Christmas, everybody!

And remember: Santa is good at math!


A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: August

Posted in Revolutionary August, Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 on December 24, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries,

You already know the drill. For the past week I’ve been posting A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009. I’ve already covered the months of January, February, March, April, May, June and July.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “No, I don’t know the drill!” This is the first time I’ve ever visited this website!!”

To which I respond: You shouldn’t have spent so much time chasing after waterfalls.

Now I know what you’re thinking about my response: “Waterfalls? What the hell are you talking about?”

To which I respond: A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009. I believe I’ve made my point.

AUGUST

  • Former U.S. President Bill Clinton arrived in Pyongyang, North Korea to bring two American journalists – Laura Ling and Euna Lee – back to the United States, and more specifically, back to Bill Clinton’s house.
  • Senator Ted Kennedy, who isn’t Michael Jackson, died at the age of 77.
  • The children’s show Reading Rainbow ended its 26 year-run, proving to children that reading books cannot save a beloved children’s television show, that their puppy will someday die, and that when parents get divorced, it is always the fault of the child.
  • Disney acquired Marvel Entertainment in a deal worth $4 billion. To add insult, Disney also announced their plans to purchase the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus from Time Warner Inc.

(Other months in “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009”)