A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: January


Congratulations! You are almost done with the most difficult year in the history of humankind! Now sure, you may think that past years have been more difficult, but what this year lacked in difficulty, it made up for in hyperbole.

The year 2009 had everything: the inauguration of the first African-American president, sex scandals, debates over gay marriage, sex scandals, the rise of the Tea Party movement, sex scandals, a balloon boy, sex scandals, celebrity deaths, and even a few sex scandals. Yes, this year truly had it all.

I recently wrote a review of the year 2009 for another publication I write for, and the result was a magnum opus of approximately 2,400 words and 17,500 pounds. I’m not kidding. I accidentally dropped the review of the year 2009 on my foot, and the doctor told me I would never walk again. That’s what I get for seeking advice from Dr. Pepper (just what the doctor ordered!).

I want to share my review of the year 2009 with all of you, my fellow revolutionaries. So I’ve decided to break it down into 12 more digestible sections (only 100 calories!), and spread them out over the course of the next two weeks. My reasoning behind this is that it will be less work for me as the next two weeks will be incredibly busy, and it will be easier for you, as smaller sections prevent choking.

With that, please enjoy: A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: January

JANUARY

  • Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 successfully made an emergency landing in the Hudson River in New York City, after the plane struck a flock of Canada Geese. This heroic feat won admiration for Captain Sullenberger, and an embargo on all geese from Canada.
  • Barack Obama made history by becoming the first U.S. President in history to have a Chia Pet modeled after him.
  • Nadya Suleman, a 33 year old woman in California, gave birth to eight babies after receiving in-vitro fertilization treatments. While the rumor that her eighth baby walked out of her womb is simply a lie, it did however ride out on a tricycle.
  • Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was impeached and replaced by his lieutenant governor, Pat Quinn. With his new free time, Blagojevich announced that he would begin working on a “f****** gold” script for a film version of The Sopranos.
  • In response to Democrats electing the first African American man as U.S. President, Republicans made history by choosing Michael Steele as the first African American man of the U.S. Republican National Committee. Check. And mate.
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9 Responses to “A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: January”

  1. Oddball Michael Steele is easier to understand when you know who’s coaching him:

    http://bit.ly/3ppyiu

    (satire)

  2. […] days ago I posted a blog entry titled A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009: January. As I mentioned, I wrote a massive review of the year 2009, which I plan on sharing with all of […]

  3. […] posting a Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 during the next two weeks. So far we’ve covered January, February, and March. Which means it’s time for… a commercial! (that’s funny, because […]

  4. […] been posting A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009 all week, and so far have covered January, February, March and April. Let’s review May 2009, shall we? After all, it’s the American […]

  5. […] it. WE MADE IT HALFWAY THROUGH THE REVOLUTIONARY REVIEW OF THE YEAR 2009. So far, we’ve covered January, February, March, April, May, and June. I’m very proud of you that you’ve stuck with me this […]

  6. […] already reviewed the months of January, February, March, April, May, June and July and August, which means it’s time […]

  7. […] at the end of A Revolutionary Review of the Year 2009. We’ve already covered the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September and October. Do you realize what this […]

  8. […] after already reviewing the months of January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October and November, you can now […]

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