Archive for January, 2010

Revolutionary New Year’s Resolutions, Just in Time for February

Posted in Revolutionary New Year's Resolutions on January 30, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

January is a time of New Year’s resolutions. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why is Ryan writing about New Year’s resolutions at the end of January?” I know what you’re thinking because I took a class in clairvoyance (the University of Phoenix is the best!). This is what you’re also thinking: “Do these pants make my butt look fat?” The answer to both questions is “Yes. Very.” SORRY, BUT IT’S TRUE. Don’t shoot me – I’m just the messenger! You are, however, welcome to chase the messenger, because then you’ll get some exercise, lose some weight, and your butt will no longer look fat in those pants.

That’s another tip I learned from the University of Phoenix.

If you’ve read Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, you know that revolutionaries are not regular people with regular New Year’s resolutions. They are special people, and therefore need special New Year’s resolutions. Although today is already January 30th, there are still 336 days remaining in the year for you to make revolutionary New Year’s resolutions. You better get cracking! Eggs, that is. That omelet isn’t going to make itself.

Revolutionary fun fact: the University of Phoenix offers an omelet-making class.

Unfortunately, I can’t make your New Year’s resolutions for you (one of the terms of the restraining order), but I can suggest a few sample New Year’s resolutions that are PERFECT for any budding revolutionary:

  • Resolve to quit smoking. Save your cigarettes for a special occasion, like when you’re taken in front of a firing squad.
  • Resolve to stop making judgmental comments about people who are different from you. Use violence instead.
  • Resolve to build up your savings. Otherwise you’ll never have enough money to buy that saber collection you saw on eBay.
  • Resolve to jog more. Che Guevara wasn’t a very good runner and look what happened to him (assassination; t-shirts and mugs).
  • Resolve to make your New Year’s resolutions before February. Starting next year.

Good luck with your New Year’s resolutions! If you would like further information on making your own New Year’s resolutions, please contact the University of Phoenix.

Help Me Become the Sexiest Revolutionary At the Prom

Posted in Revolutionary Beauty Pageant, Revolutionary In Utah This Week, Revolutionary Meryl Streep, Revolutionary Prom Queen, Revolutionary Sally Field, Revolutionary Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City on January 29, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

I was just informed yesterday (actually, I found out on Wednesday and not yesterday, but I’ve never been very good with calendars) that I am in the running to become:

The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City for 2010

As you know, this is one of the most prestigious awards given in the fields of pretty much everything. I’m honored, because this award rarely goes to revolutionaries. This award is SO prestigious, that Meryl Streep hasn’t been nominated for it EVEN ONCE. That’s right. MERYL ACTRESS STREEP.

In fact, if I had to choose between winning:

  • The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City Award.

OR

  • A basket filled with a Pulitizer Prize, an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, an NAACP Spirit Award, a “Prettiest Eyes at East Lincoln High School” award, an MTV Video Music Award, and a gift certificate to Applebees.

…I would choose The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City Award. That is how prestigious it is. Plus, that basket sounds really, really heavy. What am I, a forklift?

This is how you can help me win this award:

  1. Go to http://inthisweek.com/sexyvote right now.
  2. Choose some woman for sexiest. I really don’t care who you choose. If Margaret Thatcher is on the list, choose her. She could really use the self-esteem boost right now.
  3. CLICK ON MY FACE. By the way, my name is “Ryan Shattuck.”
  4. Enter in your email address.
  5. Check your email.
  6. Click where it says “please confirm you’re you by clicking the link below”

THAT’S IT. You may also want to wash your hands if you’re a germaphobe, but I can’t decide that for you.

If you vote for me, this is what I promise to you:

  • I will attend the awards ceremony while wearing a crown, and a sash which reads “Prom King 2010.”
  • I will deliver a beautiful acceptance speech in which I will thank both God and Sally Field, repeatedly. While bawling.
  • I will shout, more than once, “I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball!” Champagne may or may not be involved.

Thank you, revolutionaries, for helping this dream come true.

Would You Read “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” on an Electronic Thing?

Posted in Revolutionary Apple, Revolutionary iPad, Revolutionary Kindle, Revolutionary Poll on January 28, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

For those of you who live under a rock and don’t follow the news (which, in my opinion, is a terrible excuse as most rocks these days are equipped with wi-fi), Apple released it’s newest product yesterday: the iPad. Unfortunately, the Internet pointed all too quickly that the iPad sounds just like a feminine hygiene product, with jokes coming out of all sorts of holes and crannies. Is the Internet really that immature? It’s that time of the month when the flow of iPad jokes needs to come to a complete stop. Period. Or as the British would say, “there is nothing bloody funny about the iPad.”

He he he… I never leave home without my iTampon.

Suffice to say, the iPad is a revolutionary product. And Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is a revolutionary book (according to 4 out of 5 dentists). Doesn’t the idea of combining the two sound like a revolutionary match made in revolutionary heaven? Well maybe not revolutionary heaven, but regular heaven? Of course it does.

I want to know:

Would you read “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” on an electronic thing?

Over 100 Revolutionary Fans Can’t Be Wrong

Posted in Revolutionary Facebook, Revolutionary Fan Page, Revolutionary Fans, Revolutionary Gary Coleman, Revolutionary Tiny Mike on January 27, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Congratulations, we did it! There are now over 100 fans of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! on Facebook! I really couldn’t have done it without you. Actually, I technically could have done it without you, but that would have involved a number of illegal methods and, frankly, I’m too pretty to go to jail. Again. (You know how I’ve always said that the big scar down the middle of my face – disfiguring me in ways that border on the mythical – is from a lawnmower accident? Sorry, that was a lie. I received it in jail from a guy named “Tiny Mike.” The ironic part about his name is that this 6’5” man wasn’t actually named Mike. His name was Jerry.)

I’m excited to have this many fans on Facebook, because then I’m one step closer to having my own cult. And I’m excited to have a cult, because then I’m one step closer to starting my own revolution. And I’m excited to start a revolution, because… well… I don’t know what happens after that. I clearly haven’t read Revolutions for Fun and Profit! yet. I hope the author releases it on tape. I’m not a big reader.

If you haven’t joined the Facebook fan page for Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, what are you waiting for? Even Gary Coleman had this to say about my Facebook fan page:

I’ve been arrested so many times, that I need only one more punch on my punch card to receive a free Subway sandwich!

Thanks, Gary!

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Diamonds Are a Multi-Purpose Death Tool

Posted in Revolutionary Diamond, Revolutionary Fiancee, Revolutionary Secret Government Operative on January 26, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

We’ve all heard the song “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” But do you know why diamonds are a girl’s best friend? Simple: they can be lodged into an orifice of the girl’s political enemy. Or they can be thrust into the eye socket. In fact, diamonds are so lethal that they are even a choking hazard (I learned this the hard way).

Although diamonds are beautiful and timeless and expensive, what many people are surprised to learn is that diamonds are also dangerous and jagged and wet (when dropped in water). Diamonds make a perfect multi-purpose death tool because nobody suspects a diamond. When was the last time you read about somebody being murdered by a diamond? Aside from yesterday? And last week? And the month before that? That’s because nobody suspects a diamond.

So the next time you suspect that your girlfriend may secretly be a government operative whose infiltrated your political organization in an attempt at squelching your revolution, simply get on one knee… pull out the diamond engagement ring which cost you over three months worth of your personal wages… admire the way the light of the moon catches the strands of her hair… confess your undying love and devotion to your soon-to-be fiancée… and as she beams with joy and admiration… stab her with the ring. Problem solved.

Just be absolutely confident that your girlfriend truly is a secret government operative when you stab her, because that is not a mistake that you want to make twice. Well, depending on the country.

The Sundance Film Festival Is Kind of Revolutionary

Posted in Revolutionary Basket of Puppies, Revolutionary Make-A-Wish Foundation, Revolutionary Movies, Revolutionary Sundance Film Festival, Revolutionary The Ugly Truth, Revolutionary Tilda Swinton on January 25, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

I love movies. In fact, I love movies so much that I once stood precariously on the edge of a cliff and could save just one of the following: on my left was a basket of puppies, and to my right was an envelope with two tickets to The Ugly Truth, starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler. Guess which one I saved from falling off the cliff? I’ll give you a clue: Katherine Heigl is an overrated actress, and (probably) isn’t a puppy.

Now WHY exactly was I standing precariously on the edge of a cliff with a basket of puppies and two tickets to The Ugly Truth in the first place? All I’ll say is this: thank you, Make-A-Wish Foundation.

I love watching movies at film festivals, and there certainly isn’t a more revolutionary film festival than the Sundance Film Festival (sponsored by Hewlett-Packard: “The Computer is Personal Again”). That having been said, I’m slightly bothered that the theme of the 2010 Sundance Film Festival (sponsored by Honda: “The Power of Dreams”) is “This Is the Renewed Rebellion.” Really? They’re using revolutions as their motif and they didn’t even bother to contact me?!

I’m very offended. But what’s worse, is I went to the Sundance Film Festival (sponsored by Entertainment Weekly: “Bringing Entertainment to You, Every Week”) during the weekend and I didn’t see a single revolutionary anything. No political uprisings… no public executions… no parades through Trafalgar Square while wearing Guy Fawkes masks. How is that revolutionary?!

I do love movies, and I do believe that I am the world’s foremost expert on all things revolutionary (my credentials are… um… in the pockets of my other pants, thanks for asking), but I do NOT believe that the Sundance Film Festival (sponsored by Sundance Channel: “You Never Watch This Channel Except When Your Pretentious Friends Are Visiting And You Happen To Have This Channel On In The Background So That They’ll Think You’re Really Culturally Elite, Douchebag”) is revolutionary.

OMG, I JUST SAW TILDA SWINTON.

Lessons Learned From Setting Up a Revolutionary Facebook Fan Page

Posted in Revolutionary Facebook, Revolutionary Fan Page, Revolutionary Fans, Revolutionary Horse on January 23, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Setting up the Facebook fan page for my book has been rather difficult. Some of you may have noticed all sorts of weird status updates during the past two days, like “testing Twitter-to-Facebook connection” and “testing this makeshift bomb I made from a hollowed-out zuchini and gunpowder” and “how many times have I asked you to not pee on the carpet?”

In fact, setting up a Facebook fan page is a lot like making love – both require a lot of time, patience, and the public support of fans.

Now I know how this horse feels.