Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Diamonds Are a Multi-Purpose Death Tool

We’ve all heard the song “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” But do you know why diamonds are a girl’s best friend? Simple: they can be lodged into an orifice of the girl’s political enemy. Or they can be thrust into the eye socket. In fact, diamonds are so lethal that they are even a choking hazard (I learned this the hard way).

Although diamonds are beautiful and timeless and expensive, what many people are surprised to learn is that diamonds are also dangerous and jagged and wet (when dropped in water). Diamonds make a perfect multi-purpose death tool because nobody suspects a diamond. When was the last time you read about somebody being murdered by a diamond? Aside from yesterday? And last week? And the month before that? That’s because nobody suspects a diamond.

So the next time you suspect that your girlfriend may secretly be a government operative whose infiltrated your political organization in an attempt at squelching your revolution, simply get on one knee… pull out the diamond engagement ring which cost you over three months worth of your personal wages… admire the way the light of the moon catches the strands of her hair… confess your undying love and devotion to your soon-to-be fiancée… and as she beams with joy and admiration… stab her with the ring. Problem solved.

Just be absolutely confident that your girlfriend truly is a secret government operative when you stab her, because that is not a mistake that you want to make twice. Well, depending on the country.

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