Help Me Become the Sexiest Revolutionary At the Prom

Fellow revolutionaries:

I was just informed yesterday (actually, I found out on Wednesday and not yesterday, but I’ve never been very good with calendars) that I am in the running to become:

The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City for 2010

As you know, this is one of the most prestigious awards given in the fields of pretty much everything. I’m honored, because this award rarely goes to revolutionaries. This award is SO prestigious, that Meryl Streep hasn’t been nominated for it EVEN ONCE. That’s right. MERYL ACTRESS STREEP.

In fact, if I had to choose between winning:

  • The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City Award.


  • A basket filled with a Pulitizer Prize, an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, an NAACP Spirit Award, a “Prettiest Eyes at East Lincoln High School” award, an MTV Video Music Award, and a gift certificate to Applebees.

…I would choose The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City Award. That is how prestigious it is. Plus, that basket sounds really, really heavy. What am I, a forklift?

This is how you can help me win this award:

  1. Go to right now.
  2. Choose some woman for sexiest. I really don’t care who you choose. If Margaret Thatcher is on the list, choose her. She could really use the self-esteem boost right now.
  3. CLICK ON MY FACE. By the way, my name is “Ryan Shattuck.”
  4. Enter in your email address.
  5. Check your email.
  6. Click where it says “please confirm you’re you by clicking the link below”

THAT’S IT. You may also want to wash your hands if you’re a germaphobe, but I can’t decide that for you.

If you vote for me, this is what I promise to you:

  • I will attend the awards ceremony while wearing a crown, and a sash which reads “Prom King 2010.”
  • I will deliver a beautiful acceptance speech in which I will thank both God and Sally Field, repeatedly. While bawling.
  • I will shout, more than once, “I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball!” Champagne may or may not be involved.

Thank you, revolutionaries, for helping this dream come true.


5 Responses to “Help Me Become the Sexiest Revolutionary At the Prom”

  1. Wait, don’t you write for that magazine?

    How strange you’d be nominated…

  2. Ryan Shattuck Says:

    I’ve written for a few other publications, but I’ve never written for In Utah This Week. They won’t have me.

  3. I had a hard time choosing the girl to vote for. They all looked slutty, and that’s just not sexy! But, there was one fully clothed girl who was hot, so it all worked out.

  4. […] you are aware, tonight is the prestigious 2010 Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City awards ceremony. Will I win? Maybe. Will I lose? Maybe. Will I draw? No. I’m a terrible […]

  5. […] Lake City Weekly holds its annual “Best of Utah” awards. This is a really prestigious award – more so than In Utah This Week’s “The Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City in 2010” awa… – and those who receive the award are automatically catapulted into the pantheons of American […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: