Revolutionary New Year’s Resolutions, Just in Time for February

January is a time of New Year’s resolutions. Now I know what you’re thinking: “Why is Ryan writing about New Year’s resolutions at the end of January?” I know what you’re thinking because I took a class in clairvoyance (the University of Phoenix is the best!). This is what you’re also thinking: “Do these pants make my butt look fat?” The answer to both questions is “Yes. Very.” SORRY, BUT IT’S TRUE. Don’t shoot me – I’m just the messenger! You are, however, welcome to chase the messenger, because then you’ll get some exercise, lose some weight, and your butt will no longer look fat in those pants.

That’s another tip I learned from the University of Phoenix.

If you’ve read Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, you know that revolutionaries are not regular people with regular New Year’s resolutions. They are special people, and therefore need special New Year’s resolutions. Although today is already January 30th, there are still 336 days remaining in the year for you to make revolutionary New Year’s resolutions. You better get cracking! Eggs, that is. That omelet isn’t going to make itself.

Revolutionary fun fact: the University of Phoenix offers an omelet-making class.

Unfortunately, I can’t make your New Year’s resolutions for you (one of the terms of the restraining order), but I can suggest a few sample New Year’s resolutions that are PERFECT for any budding revolutionary:

  • Resolve to quit smoking. Save your cigarettes for a special occasion, like when you’re taken in front of a firing squad.
  • Resolve to stop making judgmental comments about people who are different from you. Use violence instead.
  • Resolve to build up your savings. Otherwise you’ll never have enough money to buy that saber collection you saw on eBay.
  • Resolve to jog more. Che Guevara wasn’t a very good runner and look what happened to him (assassination; t-shirts and mugs).
  • Resolve to make your New Year’s resolutions before February. Starting next year.

Good luck with your New Year’s resolutions! If you would like further information on making your own New Year’s resolutions, please contact the University of Phoenix.


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