Archive for February, 2010

We Say Goodbye to the Revolutionary Olympic Games

Posted in Revolutionary Fish Women, Revolutionary Goodbyes, Revolutionary Nudity, Revolutionary Olympics, Revolutionary Pregnant Women, Revolutionary Sumo Wrester on February 27, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Tomorrow is the last day of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Let’s take a quick moment and say goodbye to the Olympics, shall we?

Goodbye, competitive naked axe swinging.

Goodbye, underwater hockey.

Goodbye, fish women.

Goodbye, creepy dwarf face things.

Goodbye, sumo skiing.

Goodbye, competitive weird costume marching.

Goodbye, drowning-in-mud volleyball.

Goodbye, dress-like-Santa-in-a-shark-tank BMX riding.

Goodbye, pregnant woman pouring a bucket over herself while standing in a bikini in the snow.

Thanks for the memories. We’ll see you again in four years!

This Is Revolutionary Follow Friday

Posted in Revolutionary Allergy Shots, Revolutionary Follow Friday, Revolutionary Yawning Puppy on February 26, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

If you are on Twitter, then you are familiar with “Follow Friday,” where users collect the addresses of celebrities on Twitter, go to their homes, and watch them in their bathroom through binoculars.

It’s a fun Friday tradition. Although not as fun as allergy shots. Now that’s a way to spend a Friday afternoon.

In the spirit of Follow Friday, I’d like to suggest that everyone follow the Twitter account for Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, which is @rffap. In return for following @rffap, I will be sure to follow you back. As of this writing, @rffap only has 73 followers, and I need at least 3,208,456 more followers if I’m going to catch up to @Oprah.

Do it for the children. If you don’t have any children (or have been ordered by the courts to keep 500 feet away from elementary schools at all times), then do it for America. If you don’t live in America, then do it for this yawning puppy.

If you don’t know this yawning puppy, then allow me to introduce you to him. His name is Gary and he’s had a long day working in the coal mines. He also didn’t get much sleep last night because he and his wife recently had a baby. He tries his hardest to put on a stoic face, but sometimes his biology gets the best of him, which explains his unflattering yawn.

Shame on you, for judging this poor, overworked, underslept, puppy. This is how your cruelty makes Oprah feel:

Although she may also be crying because somebody’s watching her through her window.

Revolutionary Children’s Books for National Reading Day

Posted in Revolutionary Children's Books, Revolutionary Couch Potato, Revolutionary Illiteracy, Revolutionary National Reading Day on February 25, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Next Tuesday, March 2nd is National Reading Day, a special holiday celebrated by boys and girls across the United States in which they take time out of their busy day to read the words that appear on the screens of their Wiis, Playstations, Xboxes, computers, iPhones, and cell phones. We lead very busy lives, so it’s nice to see that at least once a year, we take the time to actually read the text messages and celebrity blogs we encounter everyday.

Think about it: if it weren’t for reading, children wouldn’t even know what “Thank you Mario. But our princess is in another castle!” or “After these messages, we’ll be right back!” means.

(I clearly have no idea what children watch these days. They still watch Dynasty, right?)

Let’s say that you actually want to read a book on National Reading Day, for some bizarre reason. What books should you read? And why can’t most books pick up a wi-fi signal?

You’ve come to the right place! Here are several great book suggestions for all the revolutionary children out there who read this blog:

And of course:

(Children’s book covers from SomethingAwful.com)

More Revolutionary Questions and Answers, 2nd Edition

Posted in Revolutionary Answers, Revolutionary Questions on February 24, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

As you probably know, publishing a book is a lot like making love to an angry Swedish woman with no arms. Once it goes public, you can’t change it or undo it. Isn’t that right, Hildegard?

Although I can’t change my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, I can however add to it. A few weeks ago I answered your questions about revolutionary issues that weren’t covered in my book, and will answer a few more questions today. You don’t have to thank me, I just enjoy giving.

Although Hildegard would disagree. Badum ching!

“Were any revolutionaries from history vegan?”

If by “vegan” you mean “slaughter animals and eat them raw using only their hands and pure determination,” then yes – all revolutionaries from history were vegan.

“Who are some of the biggest sponsors of revolutions?”

Winchester Rifles, Concertina Barbed Wire, and not surprisingly, the Disney Channel.

“Do revolutionaries believe that the world will end in 2012?”

No. Revolutionaries believe the world ended during the Clinton administration.

“Why has Oprah never done a show on how to start a revolution?”

Good question! You should ask her yourself.

“Were revolutionaries involved in the assassination of John F. Kennedy?”

Considering that I haven’t written tomorrow’s blog post yet, and also planned on seeing “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief” this weekend, and also don’t want to be killed tonight by the mafia, I’m going to answer “I don’t know.”

“How do most revolutionaries take their coffee?”

Two sugars, a dash of cream, and four shots of Johnnie Walker in a separate glass. After drinking the Johnnie Walker, pour the unused coffee down the sink.

“One of of your friends is heading north to visit his grandmother and the other friend is heading south. If their destinations are 1029 miles apart and one car is traveling at 45 miles per hour and the other car is traveling at 53 miles per hour, how many hours before the two cars pass each other?”

You know, I unfortunately don’t have my calculator with me, so I’m going to have to answer ‘Milwaukee.’

“Why does my VCR keep flashing 12:00 over and over?”

Because you live in 1987.

If you have a question you would like to ask about revolutions, life, relationships, or overthrowing the government, email me at revolutionsforfunandprofit@gmail.com.

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

Posted in Revolutionary Cat Fancy, Revolutionary Homeless People, Revolutionary IKEA, Revolutionary King Bill Gates, Revolutionary Recession, Revolutionary Shoestring Budget, Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips, Revolutionary Top Ramen, Revolutionary Tuxedo, Revolutionary Vanilla Extract, Revolutionary Wall Street on February 23, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Let’s be honest. Starting a revolution – like brain surgery, giving a bribe to a judge, or paying a cable bill – requires money. It isn’t cheap to overthrow the government, which is why Bill Gates is currently the King of the United States (Sarah Palin is coming after you in 2012, Bill!). Unfortunately, we’re in a recession right now, which means there isn’t that much money to throw around. So how are you going to start your revolution? And why are you throwing money when you know very well that it could put out an eye?

Starting a revolution on a budget is a huge topic – it could easily fill an entire book and a half. Sadly, most publishers aren’t willing to publish half a book. (They’re also unwilling to publish Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, but that’s another story). So instead of writing 1 ½ books, here’s a blog post.

For Revolutionary Tip Tuesday, here is:

Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

  • You don’t need a computer to organize your revolutionary files! Why use a computer when you could use an abacus, a shoebox, and some scotch tape? In fact, very few abacuses have the ability to download viruses (or porn).
  • Instead of hiring expensive business people to join the ranks of your militant revolution, simply hire homeless people! Many homeless people will accept the following as payment: a few bucks a month; a fish sandwich; a mason jar full of vanilla extract and mouthwash.
  • Cut back on all unnecessary magazines (Note: I said unnecessary magazines, so obviously this does not apply to Cat Fancy)
  • Do you know what would make top ramen and dirt even better? Mustard.
  • You’re protesting, you’re rallying, you’re marching, you’re overthrowing the government. Why the hell are you wearing a tuxedo?
  • You’ve left the children at home while you go out to revolt against the government. But consider this: most children probably don’t need a babysitter.
  • Why are you buying your rifles and pipe bombs from a fancy gun emporium when you could buy your rifles at IKEA? Everything’s cheaper at IKEA.
  • Sending a threatening anonymous letter in an envelope to the government is expensive. Do you know what isn’t expensive? Sending a threatening anonymous letter in slightly used toilet paper. You’re recycling and you’re saving money.
  • Everyone always says “Buy low, sell high.” And what did we get by following this advice? The crash of Wall Street. So instead, do this: Buy HIGH, sell LOW. Guaranteed returns.
  • Lastly: if you can afford to overthrow just one government, make it Canada’s. For only $20, you can afford to finance a revolution to overthrow Canada’s government, and still have enough money to see a matinee movie.

Good luck saving money!

Giving Things Up for Lent is Revolutionary

Posted in Revolutionary Catholic, Revolutionary Lent, Revolutionary Mermaid Face Tattoo, Revolutionary Moonie on February 22, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

I’m not Catholic. Would I make a good Catholic? I don’t know, that’s up for debate. Unfortunately, I belong to one of those religions that doesn’t allow debate, so therefore we’ll never actually know whether I would be a good Catholic or not.

(Note to self: Becoming a Moonie in the 1960’s wasn’t the best decision of my life.)

(Another note to self: Stop leaving private notes to myself in a public setting, such as this blog. And the Today show.)

Catholics across the world are currently celebrating Lent, which runs through April 3rd. So although I’m not technically Catholic – or figuratively, literally, symbolically, methodically, historically, or robotically – I can still celebrate Lent. Right? RIGHT?!

Sorry, you don’t have to answer that.

(Note to self: are all Moonies passive-aggressive, or is that just me?)

So to celebrate this wonderful Catholic holiday, I’ve decided to:

GIVE UP EMOTICONS FOR LENT!

I know what you’re thinking: “Is he crazy? How could someone possibly give up emoticons?” No, I’m not crazy. I’m a Moonie. Who’s celebrating Lent. And who’s contemplating getting a tattoo of a mermaid (a mermaid named Bernard, f.y.i.) on his face.

What it does mean is that for the next 40 days, I am prohibited from using emoticons, such as this:

:-)
(a happy face)

Or this:

:-(
(a sad face)

Or this:

>:[
(an angry face)

Or this:

<3
(a heart, or kissy lips)

Or this:

:*^@$#*^#@$*^^%!*#%*!%*^!
(realizing that you’ve invested with Bernie Madoff)

Or this:

(suicidal)

It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

And if it turns out that it’s neither easy nor worth it, then I’m obviously wasting my time with the Moonie/Catholic/Jehovah’s Witness Church.

Happy 31st Iranian Revolution, Iran!

Posted in Revolutionary Anniversary, Revolutionary Iranian Revolution, Revolutionary Persian on February 20, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

This warms my artificial heart:

“Millions turn out in support of Iranian revolution”

Good for you, Iran! I know that the anniversary was actually on February 11th, but I’ve been busy doing things (those DVDs of the Gilmore Girls aren’t going to watch themselves). I’m very proud of all that you’ve accomplished in the past 31 years, Iran! Do you know what would make your anniversary even more special? Celebrating it with a copy of Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, of course!

Since I know most of you in Iran probably don’t know English, here is the name of my book in Persian:

انقلابها برای تفریح سود

Since I know most of you in the United States probably don’t know Persian, here is the name of my book in English:

Révolutions pour le Plaisir et le Profit

I hope that’s correct! Then again, I’ve never known Google Translate to be wrong – how else do you think I got my translation job at the United Nations?