My Acceptance Speech for the 2010 Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City

Fellow revolutionaries:

As you are aware, tonight is the prestigious 2010 Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City awards ceremony. Will I win? Maybe. Will I lose? Maybe. Will I draw? No. I’m a terrible artist.

I realize that the odds of a revolutionary being chosen as the 2010 Sexiest of the Sexies is as probable as a black guy being chosen as president of the United States. Nevertheless, history has proven that if the voting public believes that Wesley Snipes can lead this great nation, then perhaps the voting public may believe that I, Ryan Shattuck, possess the leadership to be the sexiest person in Salt Lake City.

In the rare case that I win the 2010 Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City award, I will of course be expected to give an acceptance speech. Now I realize that many of the revolutionaries who read this blog do not, unfortunately/fortunately, live in Salt Lake City.

That is why I am providing this exclusive sneak preview:

The Acceptance Speech I Will Give If I Win the “2010 Sexiest of the Sexies in Salt Lake City” Award

This is very much a surprise. Who would have thought that by simply going to a website, choosing just one sexy person out of fifty-two, and then providing your email address, that I would end up being the sexiest person in all of Salt Lake City. This is proof that my mother has several email addresses.

Ever since I was young boy, I dreamed about being the sexiest person in Salt Lake City. I would lie awake at night, and wonder what it would be like to be one of those people who dared to dream, who dared to achieve, and who dared to be sexy. And now, at the age of 18, I can say that my dream came true.

Despite my dreams to be sexy, I never thought I would win this award because of my humble childhood. My father worked in a coal mine. I was born in the wagon of a travelin’ show. My mama used to dance for the money they’d throw. But I saved up my pennies, I wore skinny hipster jeans and tight fitting clothes, and I became sexy.

I realize that I have big shoes to fill, and I take great pride in knowing that I follow in the footsteps of the sexiest person for last year, whoever that was. [I don’t know, did they even do this last year?] But I feel up to the challenge. I am prepared for the responsibilities that come with being the sexiest person in Salt Lake City, whether that meansgoing around to all the elementary schools and instructing them on the pros and cons of fake tanning, or giving public service announcements on how much gel to use in your hair. [For those curious, it’s 2 1/2 tablespoons]

So to all those out there who want to stop following your dreams and no longer feel sexy, I say to you: Don’t give up. Don’t stop being sexy. After all, what would this world be like without sexy people?

It would be a lot like Magna.

Thank you for this award.

Sally Field couldn’t say it better herself.


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