Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: How to Marry a Revolutionary in 21 Days

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, according to a recent Gallup poll. If you’re already coupled with another person(s), then you only have five more days to buy your chocolate and flowers. If you’re not already coupled with another person(s), then you only have five more days to find someone to couple up with and/or apply to Nunnery School.

But what if you’re tired of being single? What if you want to spend the rest of your life with your revolutionary lovebunny, but he/she/RuPaul doesn’t know it yet? As it turns out, not only am I a PROFESSIONAL on all topics revolutionary, but I also know a lot about relationships. As it turns out, I’ve seen a lot of chick flicks, which is the equivalent of at least four PhDs in relationship psychology. Or maybe it’s three. I don’t know, I left my flowchart at home.

How to Marry a Revolutionary in 21 Days

Day 1: Introduce yourself to your crush. This is usually best accomplished with a handshake, a business card, or a tattoo of a griffin between the third and fourth knuckles.

Day 2: Join the revolution to which he or she belongs. You’ll need a picture ID, your social security card, and a filled out copy of your W-4 form. If you lack all three of these, simply beat up the biggest-looking guy in the revolution, so that everyone else knows who’s the boss.

Day 3: Flirt with your crush. Try complimenting her on her childbearing hips if she’s a man, or his earlobes if he’s a man. If he or she lacks earlobes and hips, ask if they’ve lost weight. (Note: this will not make sense if you’re meeting him or her for the first time.)

Day 4: Ask if he or she is single. Use violence if necessary.

Day 5: Upon learning that he or she is not single, secretly dispose of his or her spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mistress/secret lover/secretary/“business associate.”

Day 6: Ask him or her out to dinner the following Friday. Sometimes Red Lobster has two-for-one coupons in the pennysaver.

Day 7: Upon being rejected, remind him or her that you have pictures of him or her engaging in illegal activities, and that blackmail is not beneath you. (Note: the fact that you don’t actually have pictures of him or her engaging in illegal activities is irrelevant.)

Day 8: Take your date to dinner. Be charming. Be gracious. Be complimentary. Be a gentleman. Be willing to slip flunitrazepam into his or her drink when she gets up to use the bathroom.

Day 9: Take him or her back home, meanwhile concealing the contract that you forced him or her to sign while drugged, stating that he or she would agree to marry you.

Day 10: Receive a phone call from his or her doctor, stating that some unknown person drugged your date last night, and that they’ve slipped into a coma.

Day 11: He or she is in a coma.

Day 12: He or she is in a coma.

Day 13: He or she is in a coma.

Day 14: He or she is in a coma.

Day 15: He or she is in a coma.

Day 16: He or she is in a coma.

Day 17: He or she is in a coma.

Day 18: He or she is in a coma. At this point you may need to hose him or her off, because the nurses clearly aren’t doing their job.

Day 19: He or she is still in a coma.

Day 20: He or she wakes up from the coma with a heavy bout of amnesia. Propose at the hospital. Use the aforementioned contract if necessary.

Day 21: You marry each other at the local court house, in the name of the revolution.

Day 22: You’re arrested for drugging your new spouse, and are later sentenced to three years in prison.

Day 386: Happy anniversary! Enjoy your 30-minute conjugal visit!

At this point you may need to hose him or her off, because the nurses clearly aren’t doing their job.
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