Giving Things Up for Lent is Revolutionary

Fellow revolutionaries:

I’m not Catholic. Would I make a good Catholic? I don’t know, that’s up for debate. Unfortunately, I belong to one of those religions that doesn’t allow debate, so therefore we’ll never actually know whether I would be a good Catholic or not.

(Note to self: Becoming a Moonie in the 1960’s wasn’t the best decision of my life.)

(Another note to self: Stop leaving private notes to myself in a public setting, such as this blog. And the Today show.)

Catholics across the world are currently celebrating Lent, which runs through April 3rd. So although I’m not technically Catholic – or figuratively, literally, symbolically, methodically, historically, or robotically – I can still celebrate Lent. Right? RIGHT?!

Sorry, you don’t have to answer that.

(Note to self: are all Moonies passive-aggressive, or is that just me?)

So to celebrate this wonderful Catholic holiday, I’ve decided to:


I know what you’re thinking: “Is he crazy? How could someone possibly give up emoticons?” No, I’m not crazy. I’m a Moonie. Who’s celebrating Lent. And who’s contemplating getting a tattoo of a mermaid (a mermaid named Bernard, f.y.i.) on his face.

What it does mean is that for the next 40 days, I am prohibited from using emoticons, such as this:

(a happy face)

Or this:

(a sad face)

Or this:

(an angry face)

Or this:

(a heart, or kissy lips)

Or this:

(realizing that you’ve invested with Bernie Madoff)

Or this:


It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

And if it turns out that it’s neither easy nor worth it, then I’m obviously wasting my time with the Moonie/Catholic/Jehovah’s Witness Church.


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