Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

Fellow revolutionaries:

Let’s be honest. Starting a revolution – like brain surgery, giving a bribe to a judge, or paying a cable bill – requires money. It isn’t cheap to overthrow the government, which is why Bill Gates is currently the King of the United States (Sarah Palin is coming after you in 2012, Bill!). Unfortunately, we’re in a recession right now, which means there isn’t that much money to throw around. So how are you going to start your revolution? And why are you throwing money when you know very well that it could put out an eye?

Starting a revolution on a budget is a huge topic – it could easily fill an entire book and a half. Sadly, most publishers aren’t willing to publish half a book. (They’re also unwilling to publish Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, but that’s another story). So instead of writing 1 ½ books, here’s a blog post.

For Revolutionary Tip Tuesday, here is:

Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

  • You don’t need a computer to organize your revolutionary files! Why use a computer when you could use an abacus, a shoebox, and some scotch tape? In fact, very few abacuses have the ability to download viruses (or porn).
  • Instead of hiring expensive business people to join the ranks of your militant revolution, simply hire homeless people! Many homeless people will accept the following as payment: a few bucks a month; a fish sandwich; a mason jar full of vanilla extract and mouthwash.
  • Cut back on all unnecessary magazines (Note: I said unnecessary magazines, so obviously this does not apply to Cat Fancy)
  • Do you know what would make top ramen and dirt even better? Mustard.
  • You’re protesting, you’re rallying, you’re marching, you’re overthrowing the government. Why the hell are you wearing a tuxedo?
  • You’ve left the children at home while you go out to revolt against the government. But consider this: most children probably don’t need a babysitter.
  • Why are you buying your rifles and pipe bombs from a fancy gun emporium when you could buy your rifles at IKEA? Everything’s cheaper at IKEA.
  • Sending a threatening anonymous letter in an envelope to the government is expensive. Do you know what isn’t expensive? Sending a threatening anonymous letter in slightly used toilet paper. You’re recycling and you’re saving money.
  • Everyone always says “Buy low, sell high.” And what did we get by following this advice? The crash of Wall Street. So instead, do this: Buy HIGH, sell LOW. Guaranteed returns.
  • Lastly: if you can afford to overthrow just one government, make it Canada’s. For only $20, you can afford to finance a revolution to overthrow Canada’s government, and still have enough money to see a matinee movie.

Good luck saving money!

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