Archive for March, 2010

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Che Guevara

Posted in Revolutionary Che Guevara, Revolutionary Fun Facts on March 19, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

1.) Che Guevara once saved a child who was choking on a pretzel by performing a last-minute tracheotomy with a sharper pretzel.

2.) Che Guevara’s birth name was Beelzebub de Jesus Diablo Cristo, but he decided to change his name because he didn’t want anyone to know he was Jewish.

3.) Che Guevara was Jewish.

4.) Che Guevara’s beard was organic and range-free.

5.) Che Guevara was a vegetarian because he loved the way vegetable blood felt on his teeth.

6.) The animated Disney film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” was based on Che Guevara’s life.

7.) Che Guevara probably wasn’t Jewish.

8.) Che Guevara once stabbed someone who yelled “fire” in a crowded theater, only to later suffer form third-degree burns.

9.) Che Guevara won an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Tony during his lifetime, but he never won a Grammy, which is really embarrassing when you think about it.

10.) Che Guevara is one of the few people who looks decent in orange.

Answers to Your Revolutionary Questions, Now on Formsprings

Posted in Revolutionary Answers, Revolutionary Formsprings, Revolutionary Questions on March 18, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are very few things I enjoy more in this world than answering questions. With the exception of edamame. I enjoy edamame more than I enjoy answering questions. But if you don’t count edamame – and why would you? – then there is nothing I enjoy more in this world than answering questions.

So I’ve set up a Formsprings account for my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!

Is there something you want to know about revolutions? Ask me on Formsprings and you’ll get your answer.

Is there something you want to know about overthrowing the government? Ask me on Formsprings and you’ll get your answer.

Is there something you want to know about relationships? Ask me on Formsprings and I’ll look up the answer on Wikipedia.

Is there something you want to know about brain surgery or rocket science? Ask me on Formsprings and I’ll consult a fortune cookie or flip a coin or something.

CLICK HERE TO ASK YOUR REVOLUTIONARY QUESTIONS ON FORMSPRINGS

Remembering Irish Writers for St. Patrick’s Day

Posted in Revolutionary Holiday, Revolutionary Irish Writers, Revolutionary Leprechauns, Revolutionary St. Patrick's Day on March 17, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

I apologize there wasn’t a blog post yesterday. It was planning on being here, but it had to go pick up the kids from soccer practice.

Like many writers, I have an affinity for other authors. As the author behind the runaway bestseller, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, I understand the sacrifice, work, and alcoholism hard work that goes into writing a book.

As today is St. Patrick’s Day, I would like to take a moment to remember some of the important Irish writers who have influenced my writing:

Jonathan Swift

James Joyce

George Bernard Shaw

William Butler Yeats

Oscar Wilde

A Pit Bull? The Last Day to Nominate “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!”

Posted in Revolutionary Best of Utah, Revolutionary City Weekly, Revolutionary Divorce, Revolutionary Mid-Life Crisis, Revolutionary Pit Bull on March 15, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Uh oh! It’s a pit bull dressed as a lonely middle-aged man sitting in a park, watching his life waste away before his eyes! You know what that means!

It means that it’s the last day to nominate Revolutions for Fun and Profit! for the 2010 Best Book of Utah! Please follow these instructions, because I’m getting really tired of repeating myself:

  • When you get to the part that says Best Your Choice (anything we left off that you love), you will write in Best Book: “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!”.

The pit bull’s name, by the way, is Howard. Please don’t bother him. He’s going through a messy divorce at the moment.

Remembering the Sacrifices of Revolutionary Pies

Posted in Revolutionary Pi Day, Revolutionary Pies on March 13, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Just a quick note today. I would like to remind all of you that tomorrow, 3.14, is Pi Day. This is a solemn day where we think about the sacrifices that pies have made for us throughout history.

If you’ll allow me, I’d like to take just a moment to remember the pies who passed away during this past year:

IN MEMORIAM


Coconut Pie, 1967-2010


Key Lime Pie, 1943-2010


Pumpkin Pie, 1951-2010


Rhubarb Pie, 1935-2010


Gross Quiche Pie, 1966-2010


Pecan/Garbage Pie, 1945-2010


Chart Pie, 1937-2010

Soldier on, fellow revolutionaries.

More Revolutionary Questions and Answers, 3rd Edition

Posted in Revolutionary Answers, Revolutionary City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold, Revolutionary Jetpacks, Revolutionary Pastry Chefs, Revolutionary Questions, Revolutionary The Rachel Haircut, Revolutionary Woodchucks, Revolutionary World War III on March 12, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Every few weeks, I like to answer your burning questions that weren’t answered (for legal reasons) in my runaway hit book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!. Most of these questions are quite easy (i.e. “What is the square root of 9?”), but some of these questions are quite difficult and take a lot of time to determine the proper answer (i.e. “What is the square root of 25?”)

“When will revolutionaries finally bring about World War III?”
Either in 2017 or 2025, whichever comes first.

“Should revolutionaries get the Rachel haircut or the Monica haircut?”
Obviously the Rachel haircut. Nobody should get the Monica haircut, including revolutionaries. Or Courtney Cox.

“What is the most revolutionary movie of all time?”
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold

“Do you believe we will ever see jetpacks in our lifetime?”
That depends. In my lifetime? Probably. In your lifetime? No.

Now with that question out of the way, do you mind drinking the contents of this mysterious bottle labeled with a skull-and-crossbones?

“What is the average age of the modern revolutionary?”
While it’s hard to pinpoint a specific age, the average revolutionary is old enough to buy cigarettes, but is still young enough to audition for American Idol, while smoking.

“How much wood would a revolutionary woodchuck chuck if a revolutionary woodchuck could chuck wood?”
I’m gonna say 7. Maybe 8 if he hasn’t had lunch yet.

“Can coupons be used in a political coup d’état?”
Yes.

“Have you ever killed a man?”
If you don’t count pastry chefs, then no – I’ve never killed a man.

If you have a question you would like to ask about revolutions, life, relationships, or overthrowing the government, email me at revolutionsforfunandprofit@gmail.com.

The 11 Reasons Why “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Should Be the Best Book in Utah for 2010

Posted in Revolutioanry Drag Queen, Revolutionary Best of Utah, Revolutionary Best Vietnamese Restaurant, Revolutionary Bisexuality, Revolutionary City Weekly, Revolutionary Gary Coleman, Revolutionary Minimum Wage, Revolutionary Reasons on March 11, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are only 4 more days to choose Revolutions for Fun and Profit! as the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I need… nay, I desire… nay, I really need for you to nominate my groundbreaking, revolutionary book.

To nominate my book, simply visit the City Weekly’s website for Best of Utah 2010, follow the instructions, and when you get to the part that says Best Your Choice (anything we left off that you love), you will write in Best Book: “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!”.

Now maybe you’re not convinced that my book deserves to be the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be convinced (have you read the glowing reviews?!), but I’m willing to admit that you’re an independent, fence-sitting, swing-voting undecider. And just for good measure, I’m going to assume you’re also bisexual.

Do you need to be convinced that Revolutions for Fun and Profit! deserves to be the Best Book in Utah? Here are all the reasons why it should be nominated:

  • My book is a good read.
  • My book is recyclable.
  • My book will sort your recyclables for you.
  • My book was endorsed by the Dolly Lama. Which is the name of a drag queen. Who was paid fourteen bucks to endorse my book.
  • My book always wears protection.
  • My book was once bred with a labrador retriever, and it produced a labradoodle who didn’t know how to read.
  • My book can name all 5 of the Spice Girls, all 7 of the dwarfs, and all 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • My book is perfectly happy making minimum wage, will never ask for health benefits, and is happy just to be in this country.
  • My book thinks Jay Leno is funny when old people are in the room, and thinks Conan O’Brien is funny when normal people are in the room.
  • My book never runs with scissors, it never runs its mouth off, and a river runs through it.

And lastly:

  • Gary Coleman hasn’t written a book yet.

If those reasons won’t convince you, then I give up.