Archive for the Revolutionary Gary Coleman Category

The 11 Reasons Why “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Should Be the Best Book in Utah for 2010

Posted in Revolutioanry Drag Queen, Revolutionary Best of Utah, Revolutionary Best Vietnamese Restaurant, Revolutionary Bisexuality, Revolutionary City Weekly, Revolutionary Gary Coleman, Revolutionary Minimum Wage, Revolutionary Reasons on March 11, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are only 4 more days to choose Revolutions for Fun and Profit! as the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I need… nay, I desire… nay, I really need for you to nominate my groundbreaking, revolutionary book.

To nominate my book, simply visit the City Weekly’s website for Best of Utah 2010, follow the instructions, and when you get to the part that says Best Your Choice (anything we left off that you love), you will write in Best Book: “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!”.

Now maybe you’re not convinced that my book deserves to be the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be convinced (have you read the glowing reviews?!), but I’m willing to admit that you’re an independent, fence-sitting, swing-voting undecider. And just for good measure, I’m going to assume you’re also bisexual.

Do you need to be convinced that Revolutions for Fun and Profit! deserves to be the Best Book in Utah? Here are all the reasons why it should be nominated:

  • My book is a good read.
  • My book is recyclable.
  • My book will sort your recyclables for you.
  • My book was endorsed by the Dolly Lama. Which is the name of a drag queen. Who was paid fourteen bucks to endorse my book.
  • My book always wears protection.
  • My book was once bred with a labrador retriever, and it produced a labradoodle who didn’t know how to read.
  • My book can name all 5 of the Spice Girls, all 7 of the dwarfs, and all 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • My book is perfectly happy making minimum wage, will never ask for health benefits, and is happy just to be in this country.
  • My book thinks Jay Leno is funny when old people are in the room, and thinks Conan O’Brien is funny when normal people are in the room.
  • My book never runs with scissors, it never runs its mouth off, and a river runs through it.

And lastly:

  • Gary Coleman hasn’t written a book yet.

If those reasons won’t convince you, then I give up.

Advertisements

Over 100 Revolutionary Fans Can’t Be Wrong

Posted in Revolutionary Facebook, Revolutionary Fan Page, Revolutionary Fans, Revolutionary Gary Coleman, Revolutionary Tiny Mike on January 27, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Congratulations, we did it! There are now over 100 fans of Revolutions for Fun and Profit! on Facebook! I really couldn’t have done it without you. Actually, I technically could have done it without you, but that would have involved a number of illegal methods and, frankly, I’m too pretty to go to jail. Again. (You know how I’ve always said that the big scar down the middle of my face – disfiguring me in ways that border on the mythical – is from a lawnmower accident? Sorry, that was a lie. I received it in jail from a guy named “Tiny Mike.” The ironic part about his name is that this 6’5” man wasn’t actually named Mike. His name was Jerry.)

I’m excited to have this many fans on Facebook, because then I’m one step closer to having my own cult. And I’m excited to have a cult, because then I’m one step closer to starting my own revolution. And I’m excited to start a revolution, because… well… I don’t know what happens after that. I clearly haven’t read Revolutions for Fun and Profit! yet. I hope the author releases it on tape. I’m not a big reader.

If you haven’t joined the Facebook fan page for Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, what are you waiting for? Even Gary Coleman had this to say about my Facebook fan page:

I’ve been arrested so many times, that I need only one more punch on my punch card to receive a free Subway sandwich!

Thanks, Gary!