Archive for the Revolutionary Tips Category

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: 300 Thread Count

Posted in Revolutionary Blood of a Virgin, Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, Revolutionary October Revolution, Revolutionary Sacagawea, Revolutionary Thread Count, Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips on March 9, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Believe it or not, I sometimes get busy. Not only do I get busy, but sometimes I even get lazy. And when I become busy and lazy, then the worst possible thing happens: orphans die I do not update this blog.

Today, for Revolutionary Tip Tuesday, I am reposting an old blog post from May 2009, titled “Revolutionary Thread Count of the Week: 300 Thread Count.” Enjoy. Or don’t enjoy. It’s the same to me.

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300Thread counts come and go. Lewis & Clark famously slept under a 150 thread count comforter (at the same time – they were totally gay for each other). However, once they met Sacagawea and her box of inflatable buffalo skins (a.k.a. the first water bed), they donated the comforter to the Salvation Army.

Ever heard of Leon Trotsky? Don’t worry, no one else has either. He was one of the leaders of the Russian October Revolution, and his life was the basis of both October Sky and Apollo 13. The point is, even less memorable than his life is his 200 thread count quilt. To this day, Trotsky’s contemporaries do not recall seeing him sleep, let alone with anything made from 200 threads.

Which brings us to the 300 thread count. The sails of the Mayflower? Made from 300 thread count. The coonskin cap worn by Davy Crocket? Made from 300 thread count. The bag William Wallace’s head was placed in, after he was beheaded? Made from 300 thread count. The flag sewn together by Betsy Ross? Made from 300 thread count and copper wiring (which explains the American flag’s bulletproofness). The first bus in which Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back? Made from 300 thread count.

If you’re looking for the most revolutionary thread count available, look for anything with a 300 thread count. Spray with the blood of a virgin, if available.


Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

Posted in Revolutionary Cat Fancy, Revolutionary Homeless People, Revolutionary IKEA, Revolutionary King Bill Gates, Revolutionary Recession, Revolutionary Shoestring Budget, Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips, Revolutionary Top Ramen, Revolutionary Tuxedo, Revolutionary Vanilla Extract, Revolutionary Wall Street on February 23, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Let’s be honest. Starting a revolution – like brain surgery, giving a bribe to a judge, or paying a cable bill – requires money. It isn’t cheap to overthrow the government, which is why Bill Gates is currently the King of the United States (Sarah Palin is coming after you in 2012, Bill!). Unfortunately, we’re in a recession right now, which means there isn’t that much money to throw around. So how are you going to start your revolution? And why are you throwing money when you know very well that it could put out an eye?

Starting a revolution on a budget is a huge topic – it could easily fill an entire book and a half. Sadly, most publishers aren’t willing to publish half a book. (They’re also unwilling to publish Revolutions for Fun and Profit!, but that’s another story). So instead of writing 1 ½ books, here’s a blog post.

For Revolutionary Tip Tuesday, here is:

Starting a Revolution on a Shoestring Budget

  • You don’t need a computer to organize your revolutionary files! Why use a computer when you could use an abacus, a shoebox, and some scotch tape? In fact, very few abacuses have the ability to download viruses (or porn).
  • Instead of hiring expensive business people to join the ranks of your militant revolution, simply hire homeless people! Many homeless people will accept the following as payment: a few bucks a month; a fish sandwich; a mason jar full of vanilla extract and mouthwash.
  • Cut back on all unnecessary magazines (Note: I said unnecessary magazines, so obviously this does not apply to Cat Fancy)
  • Do you know what would make top ramen and dirt even better? Mustard.
  • You’re protesting, you’re rallying, you’re marching, you’re overthrowing the government. Why the hell are you wearing a tuxedo?
  • You’ve left the children at home while you go out to revolt against the government. But consider this: most children probably don’t need a babysitter.
  • Why are you buying your rifles and pipe bombs from a fancy gun emporium when you could buy your rifles at IKEA? Everything’s cheaper at IKEA.
  • Sending a threatening anonymous letter in an envelope to the government is expensive. Do you know what isn’t expensive? Sending a threatening anonymous letter in slightly used toilet paper. You’re recycling and you’re saving money.
  • Everyone always says “Buy low, sell high.” And what did we get by following this advice? The crash of Wall Street. So instead, do this: Buy HIGH, sell LOW. Guaranteed returns.
  • Lastly: if you can afford to overthrow just one government, make it Canada’s. For only $20, you can afford to finance a revolution to overthrow Canada’s government, and still have enough money to see a matinee movie.

Good luck saving money!

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: How to Marry a Revolutionary in 21 Days

Posted in Revolutionary Advice, Revolutionary Love, Revolutionary Marriage Proposal, Revolutionary Relationships, Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips, Revolutionary Valentine's Day on February 9, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, according to a recent Gallup poll. If you’re already coupled with another person(s), then you only have five more days to buy your chocolate and flowers. If you’re not already coupled with another person(s), then you only have five more days to find someone to couple up with and/or apply to Nunnery School.

But what if you’re tired of being single? What if you want to spend the rest of your life with your revolutionary lovebunny, but he/she/RuPaul doesn’t know it yet? As it turns out, not only am I a PROFESSIONAL on all topics revolutionary, but I also know a lot about relationships. As it turns out, I’ve seen a lot of chick flicks, which is the equivalent of at least four PhDs in relationship psychology. Or maybe it’s three. I don’t know, I left my flowchart at home.

How to Marry a Revolutionary in 21 Days

Day 1: Introduce yourself to your crush. This is usually best accomplished with a handshake, a business card, or a tattoo of a griffin between the third and fourth knuckles.

Day 2: Join the revolution to which he or she belongs. You’ll need a picture ID, your social security card, and a filled out copy of your W-4 form. If you lack all three of these, simply beat up the biggest-looking guy in the revolution, so that everyone else knows who’s the boss.

Day 3: Flirt with your crush. Try complimenting her on her childbearing hips if she’s a man, or his earlobes if he’s a man. If he or she lacks earlobes and hips, ask if they’ve lost weight. (Note: this will not make sense if you’re meeting him or her for the first time.)

Day 4: Ask if he or she is single. Use violence if necessary.

Day 5: Upon learning that he or she is not single, secretly dispose of his or her spouse/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mistress/secret lover/secretary/“business associate.”

Day 6: Ask him or her out to dinner the following Friday. Sometimes Red Lobster has two-for-one coupons in the pennysaver.

Day 7: Upon being rejected, remind him or her that you have pictures of him or her engaging in illegal activities, and that blackmail is not beneath you. (Note: the fact that you don’t actually have pictures of him or her engaging in illegal activities is irrelevant.)

Day 8: Take your date to dinner. Be charming. Be gracious. Be complimentary. Be a gentleman. Be willing to slip flunitrazepam into his or her drink when she gets up to use the bathroom.

Day 9: Take him or her back home, meanwhile concealing the contract that you forced him or her to sign while drugged, stating that he or she would agree to marry you.

Day 10: Receive a phone call from his or her doctor, stating that some unknown person drugged your date last night, and that they’ve slipped into a coma.

Day 11: He or she is in a coma.

Day 12: He or she is in a coma.

Day 13: He or she is in a coma.

Day 14: He or she is in a coma.

Day 15: He or she is in a coma.

Day 16: He or she is in a coma.

Day 17: He or she is in a coma.

Day 18: He or she is in a coma. At this point you may need to hose him or her off, because the nurses clearly aren’t doing their job.

Day 19: He or she is still in a coma.

Day 20: He or she wakes up from the coma with a heavy bout of amnesia. Propose at the hospital. Use the aforementioned contract if necessary.

Day 21: You marry each other at the local court house, in the name of the revolution.

Day 22: You’re arrested for drugging your new spouse, and are later sentenced to three years in prison.

Day 386: Happy anniversary! Enjoy your 30-minute conjugal visit!

At this point you may need to hose him or her off, because the nurses clearly aren’t doing their job.

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: Cut Down on the Cost of Body Bags

Posted in Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips on January 19, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Unfortunately, being a revolutionary means you may have to kill a few people. A revolution without bloodshed is like a cranberry bran muffin without cranberries – and honestly, who wants a plain bran muffin? Answer: nobody.

Let’s say you just murdered a few people because they disagreed with your political beliefs, and/or thought Jay Leno should take over The Tonight Show. You have to get rid of that body. BUT BODY BAGS ARE EXPENSIVE! Not only are they expensive, but only 40% of Costcos nationwide even carry them. What do you do?

I have just two three words for you: “the plastic bags that newspapers come in, and sewing machines.” Sorry, that was more like four words.

It’s simple! To make your own homemade body bag, follow these steps:

1.) Read the newspaper and become informed about the world. Be sure to not skip the Marmaduke comic, because he’s always getting into all SORTS of trouble!

2.) Keep the plastic bag.

3.) Plug in your sewing machine.

4.) Chuckle to yourself, as you remember the antics of Marmaduke. Who does he think he is, a person?!

5.) Sew the edges of all the plastic newspaper bags together.

6.) Voilà! You now have a homemade body bag.

As a final reminder, always make sure to wash your hands after handling a dead body, especially if you’ve just used the bathroom.