More Revolutionary Questions and Answers, 3rd Edition

Posted in Revolutionary Answers, Revolutionary City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold, Revolutionary Jetpacks, Revolutionary Pastry Chefs, Revolutionary Questions, Revolutionary The Rachel Haircut, Revolutionary Woodchucks, Revolutionary World War III on March 12, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Every few weeks, I like to answer your burning questions that weren’t answered (for legal reasons) in my runaway hit book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit!. Most of these questions are quite easy (i.e. “What is the square root of 9?”), but some of these questions are quite difficult and take a lot of time to determine the proper answer (i.e. “What is the square root of 25?”)

“When will revolutionaries finally bring about World War III?”
Either in 2017 or 2025, whichever comes first.

“Should revolutionaries get the Rachel haircut or the Monica haircut?”
Obviously the Rachel haircut. Nobody should get the Monica haircut, including revolutionaries. Or Courtney Cox.

“What is the most revolutionary movie of all time?”
City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold

“Do you believe we will ever see jetpacks in our lifetime?”
That depends. In my lifetime? Probably. In your lifetime? No.

Now with that question out of the way, do you mind drinking the contents of this mysterious bottle labeled with a skull-and-crossbones?

“What is the average age of the modern revolutionary?”
While it’s hard to pinpoint a specific age, the average revolutionary is old enough to buy cigarettes, but is still young enough to audition for American Idol, while smoking.

“How much wood would a revolutionary woodchuck chuck if a revolutionary woodchuck could chuck wood?”
I’m gonna say 7. Maybe 8 if he hasn’t had lunch yet.

“Can coupons be used in a political coup d’état?”
Yes.

“Have you ever killed a man?”
If you don’t count pastry chefs, then no – I’ve never killed a man.

If you have a question you would like to ask about revolutions, life, relationships, or overthrowing the government, email me at revolutionsforfunandprofit@gmail.com.

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The 11 Reasons Why “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Should Be the Best Book in Utah for 2010

Posted in Revolutioanry Drag Queen, Revolutionary Best of Utah, Revolutionary Best Vietnamese Restaurant, Revolutionary Bisexuality, Revolutionary City Weekly, Revolutionary Gary Coleman, Revolutionary Minimum Wage, Revolutionary Reasons on March 11, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are only 4 more days to choose Revolutions for Fun and Profit! as the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I need… nay, I desire… nay, I really need for you to nominate my groundbreaking, revolutionary book.

To nominate my book, simply visit the City Weekly’s website for Best of Utah 2010, follow the instructions, and when you get to the part that says Best Your Choice (anything we left off that you love), you will write in Best Book: “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!”.

Now maybe you’re not convinced that my book deserves to be the Best Book in Utah for 2010. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be convinced (have you read the glowing reviews?!), but I’m willing to admit that you’re an independent, fence-sitting, swing-voting undecider. And just for good measure, I’m going to assume you’re also bisexual.

Do you need to be convinced that Revolutions for Fun and Profit! deserves to be the Best Book in Utah? Here are all the reasons why it should be nominated:

  • My book is a good read.
  • My book is recyclable.
  • My book will sort your recyclables for you.
  • My book was endorsed by the Dolly Lama. Which is the name of a drag queen. Who was paid fourteen bucks to endorse my book.
  • My book always wears protection.
  • My book was once bred with a labrador retriever, and it produced a labradoodle who didn’t know how to read.
  • My book can name all 5 of the Spice Girls, all 7 of the dwarfs, and all 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
  • My book is perfectly happy making minimum wage, will never ask for health benefits, and is happy just to be in this country.
  • My book thinks Jay Leno is funny when old people are in the room, and thinks Conan O’Brien is funny when normal people are in the room.
  • My book never runs with scissors, it never runs its mouth off, and a river runs through it.

And lastly:

  • Gary Coleman hasn’t written a book yet.

If those reasons won’t convince you, then I give up.

There Is No Revolution Against Plastic

Posted in Revolutionary Plastic, Revolutionary The Goonies on March 10, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Look. I’ve seen a lot of revolutions in my life time. The American Revolution. The French Revolution. The Russian Revolution. The Cultural Revolution. The Sexual Revolution. The Homosexual Revolution. The Bi-sexual Revolution. The Bi-curious revolution. The Bicycle Revolution. The Cyclops Revolution. The One-Eyed Willy Revolution. The Goonies Revolution.

But one revolution that simply does not exist is the Plastic Revolution. And yet, there’s actually a company that naively believes it is revolting against plastic. According to its website:

“Plastic Revolutions is a full service plastic recycler located in a 300,000 square foot facility in scenic Reidsville, North Carolina. We recycle all forms and grades of plastic scrap, specializing in high molecular weight plastics, such as drums, IBC totes, sheet and other dunnage materials.”


What does this even mean?! I have no idea. And you probably don’t either. But the point is this: we all use plastic things everyday in our lives, and the mere notion of a company revolting against plastic is offensive.

Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays: 300 Thread Count

Posted in Revolutionary Blood of a Virgin, Revolutionary Leon Trotsky, Revolutionary October Revolution, Revolutionary Sacagawea, Revolutionary Thread Count, Revolutionary Tip Tuesdays, Revolutionary Tips on March 9, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Believe it or not, I sometimes get busy. Not only do I get busy, but sometimes I even get lazy. And when I become busy and lazy, then the worst possible thing happens: orphans die I do not update this blog.

Today, for Revolutionary Tip Tuesday, I am reposting an old blog post from May 2009, titled “Revolutionary Thread Count of the Week: 300 Thread Count.” Enjoy. Or don’t enjoy. It’s the same to me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

300Thread counts come and go. Lewis & Clark famously slept under a 150 thread count comforter (at the same time – they were totally gay for each other). However, once they met Sacagawea and her box of inflatable buffalo skins (a.k.a. the first water bed), they donated the comforter to the Salvation Army.

Ever heard of Leon Trotsky? Don’t worry, no one else has either. He was one of the leaders of the Russian October Revolution, and his life was the basis of both October Sky and Apollo 13. The point is, even less memorable than his life is his 200 thread count quilt. To this day, Trotsky’s contemporaries do not recall seeing him sleep, let alone with anything made from 200 threads.

Which brings us to the 300 thread count. The sails of the Mayflower? Made from 300 thread count. The coonskin cap worn by Davy Crocket? Made from 300 thread count. The bag William Wallace’s head was placed in, after he was beheaded? Made from 300 thread count. The flag sewn together by Betsy Ross? Made from 300 thread count and copper wiring (which explains the American flag’s bulletproofness). The first bus in which Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back? Made from 300 thread count.

If you’re looking for the most revolutionary thread count available, look for anything with a 300 thread count. Spray with the blood of a virgin, if available.

Happy Revolutionary International Women’s Day

Posted in Revolutionary International Women's Day, Revolutionary Women on March 8, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Today is International Women’s Day. So if you see a woman passing in the street, go up to her, give her a hug, and thank her for being a woman. If she starts yelling, it’s only because she’s proud to be a woman. Hug her tighter.

(Except for these women. They look angry.)

The Revolution Against Earthquakes Has Been Canceled

Posted in Revolutionary Canceled, Revolutionary Earthquakes, Revolutionary Facebook Groups on March 6, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries,

Unfortunately, I’ve decided at this time to cancel the revolution against earthquakes. Yesterday I posted about a new Facebook group that I had started, Citizens United Against Earthquakes. As you know, earthquakes are a very real menace in our world, and it was my intention to start a revolt to get earthquakes to stop being so menacing.

Sadly, nobody joined the Facebook group, leading me to believe that you have no problem with earthquakes.

Fine. When an earthquake threatens to knock down your house, don’t come crying to me because you were too lazy to join my Facebook group.

Citizens United Against Earthquakes

Posted in Revolutionary Citizens, Revolutionary Earthquakes on March 5, 2010 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There was yet another earthquake today, this time a 6.5 earthquake in Sumatra. I can’t even keep track of all the earthquakes anymore! In the past 60 days, there have been far too many earthquakes, including:

  • Mar. 5, 2010 – 6.5 earthquake in Sumatra, Indonesia
  • Mar. 4, 2010 – 6.4 earthquake in Taiwan, China
  • Feb. 27, 2010 – 8.8 earthquake in Maule, Chile
  • Feb. 26, 2010 – 7.0 earthquake in Ryukyu Islands, Japan
  • Jan. 12, 2010 – 7.0 earthquake in Port-au-Prince, Haiti
  • Apr. 18, 1906 – 7.9 earthquake in San Francisco

Earthquakes destroy property and they destroy lives. Our planet can’t handle anymore destruction. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

It is time for citizens across the world to unite together and DEMAND NO MORE EARTHQUAKES. It is time for citizens everywhere to voice their opposition to earthquakes by saying:

NO TO EARTHQUAKES.

NOT IN OUR BACKYARD.

If you would like to join this coalition of citizens united against earthquakes… nay, this revolution, then join this Facebook group today:

Citizens United Against Earthquakes

We will write letters, we will make telephone calls, and we will protest outside of earthquakes. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can let earthquakes know that they are no longer welcome on our planet.