10 Things You Didn’t Know About Che Guevara

1.) Che Guevara once saved a child who was choking on a pretzel by performing a last-minute tracheotomy with a sharper pretzel.

2.) Che Guevara’s birth name was Beelzebub de Jesus Diablo Cristo, but he decided to change his name because he didn’t want anyone to know he was Jewish.

3.) Che Guevara was Jewish.

4.) Che Guevara’s beard was organic and range-free.

5.) Che Guevara was a vegetarian because he loved the way vegetable blood felt on his teeth.

6.) The animated Disney film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” was based on Che Guevara’s life.

7.) Che Guevara probably wasn’t Jewish.

8.) Che Guevara once stabbed someone who yelled “fire” in a crowded theater, only to later suffer form third-degree burns.

9.) Che Guevara won an Emmy, an Oscar, and a Tony during his lifetime, but he never won a Grammy, which is really embarrassing when you think about it.

10.) Che Guevara is one of the few people who looks decent in orange.

Et Tu, Che Guevara?

Fellow revolutionaries:

As you already know, I have a long-standing feud with The Onion, for rejecting not one, not two, not four, but THREE of my applications to write for them. Nevertheless, I take comfort in knowing that although The Onion is supposedly “America’s Finest News Source,” my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is “America’s Finest Source on Revolutions.™” (I don’t actually know if that phrase that is trademarked, but I put a little ™ after it, so the issue is settled)

So imagine my horror when I learned that Che Guevara, of all people, posed for a picture by The Onion of himself wearing himself, which they now sell on t-shirts, on t-shirts.

Is nothing holy?! Aside from Vatican City, or swiss cheese? (rimshot) You are dead to me, Che Guevara.

You’ve been legally dead to everyone else since 1967.