“Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Declares Jihad on the AFA and Christmas

Fellow revolutionaries:

It is the policy of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com to not take a stance when it comes to political issues (see: section 3, paragraph 7 of the policy & procedures manual). I wrote Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to instruct aspiring revolutionaries in how to start a revolution, but it was never my intention to tell people which revolution they should or should not be starting or not starting. In this regard, my book is a lot like the Bible. The Bible tells you how you should sell your daughter into slavery, but it doesn’t tell you which daughter you should sell (hint: the overweight red-haired one).

That having been said, RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com is officially releasing the following statement:

I am officially declaring jihad on Bill O’Reilly, the American Family Association, and, most importantly, Christmas.

Now I’m assuming that this sudden announcement has caught a lot of you both off guard and on guard. Understandably, you have a lot of questions, such as “What is a jihad?” and “Why are you declaring it on little ol’ Christmas?”

To answer your first question: I don’t know. I think I heard I heard the word “jihad” on the news or something. To answer your second question: I am declaring jihad on Christmas because you should always stand for something you believe in (unless you’re a quadriplegic).

I believe that Christmas is a great holiday. But is it revolutionary? Not really. Has Christmas ever worn a Che Guevara beret? No. Has Christmas ever deposed the head of government? No. Has Christmas ever transitioned from a theocracy to a monarchy to a democracy within the span of only 24 hours? No. Christmas is not revolutionary. And revolutionaries should only, only celebrate revolutionary holidays.

There you have it. This website WILL NOT be celebrating Christmas. Hey American Family Association, you think that The Gap is a Christmas-hating, winter solstice-loving pagan? Then you’ve obviously never heard of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com, who is more of a Christmas-hating, winter solstice-loving pagan than anyone else!

But seriously, American Family Association, have you never heard of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com?

And to those who think I am trying to get the American Family Association to boycott my book as a publicity stunt to sell more books, I say Merry Christmas you are wrong!

3 Revolutionary Ways to Prevent Unwanted Babies

POP QUIZ!

What do the following three items have in common, aside from the obvious?

• An axe
• David Sedaris
• Birth control

Answer: Doing a search for any of these three items on Google Images leads you to my site, RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com.

Bonus Answer: All three items prevent unwanted pregnancies.

I recently noticed a spike in traffic to my blog and after a little investigating (that magnifying glass finally came in handy), I discovered that:

When doing a search on Google Images for “axe,” my website is the second to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “David Sedaris,” my website is the second to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “birth control,” my website is the eighth to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “revolution,” my website doesn’t appear at all.

The Secret Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Fellow revolutionaries:

Today is BLACK FRIDAY, otherwise known as the beginning of the holiday shopping season. But do you know how Black Friday came into existence? Before you get trapped by the Black Friday sales that will both entice, in-tice, and out-tice you to part with your money, be sure to first learn about Black Friday’s brief yet revolutionary history.

The Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Black Friday was founded in 1348 by Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, a portly man who lived with a harem of under aged midget prostitutes (they didn’t always have the same midget child labor laws that we have today). Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, who went by the nickname “Richy Dick” because of his enormous wealth and his abnormally large ankles, was not only a senior ecclesiastical official in the Catholic Church, but was also an assistant manager at the Wal-Mart on Harrison Avenue in Kearny, New Jersey.

After a few years, Richy Dick began to notice an emerging and alarming trend: both Protestants and Scientologists, arm-in-arm, would often stop by their neighborhood Target stores the day after Thanksgiving, in order to recover from their tryptophan-laced Thanksgiving meal of turkey and sleeping pills. This is when he began to concoct a plan – one which would turn out to be his most lethal plan ever (well, if you don’t count the ‘shooting a bow & arrow while receiving electroshock therapy’ plan).

Teaming up with scientists and diseaseologists from around the world, Richy Dick, who went by the nickname “Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu,” unleashed a bacterium upon the unsuspecting public which would later be come to known as the Black Death, or Yersinia Pestis for short. The Black Death ended up wiping out one-third of the European population between 1347 and 1353, and brought to an immediate end the tradition of Protestants and Scientologists visiting Target stores the day after Thanksgiving.

In honor of Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu’s contribution in eradicating a third of the population with the Black Death, Wal-Mart declared that the Friday after every Thanksgiving would be named “Black Friday.” The holiday was later christened in 1407 by Pope Gregory XII, who declared that the holiday would be celebrated with “door-busting holiday sales” and “lots and lots of deaths.”

Now that you know the history of Black Friday, don’t forget to purchase the Best Holiday Gift of All™.

Happy Revolutionary Thanksgiving!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone! Be sure to do something revolutionary to celebrate – like overrun the government, or pass out from too much tryptophan.

What Inspired This Revolutionary Billboard?

It looks like my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is finally starting to catch on! How else would you explain the following billboard, which recently appeared in Missouri?

Now sure, it’s possible that this billboard was erected by a paranoid Glenn Beck-listening, racist gun-toting, conspiracy theory-believing libertarian, who believes that health care reform is the “beast” as foretold in the Book of Revelations.

But doesn’t it make more sense to assume that the person who erected this billboard was inspired by my book?

Meet the Author of “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” at Barnes & Noble

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are basically two ways to meet me:

1.) Stalk me outside of my apartment window.
2.) Come to my book signing at Barnes & Noble in Layton on December 3rd.

If you happen to be in Layton, Utah on December 3rd and have nothing to do between the hours of 6:00 and 8:00 pm, why not stop by and say hello? And have me sign your book? And buy half a dozen copies while you’re at it? No, seriously.

Here’s what you need to know:

Meet the Author of Revolutions for Fun and Profit!
December 3rd, 2009
6:00-8:00 pm

Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Layton Market Center
1780 N. Woodland Park Drive
Layton, UT 84041

Floss your teeth at least once a day

I hope to see you there!

I also hope you stop peeping through my bedroom window, because I’m about to file a restraining order.

Thank You for the Honor, But There Is No Such Thing as a “Sexy” Revolutionary

Fellow revolutionaries:

Well, it’s official. I am apparently the sexiest person in all of Salt Lake City for the entire week. I know! It doesn’t make sense to me either. The whole situation smells like voter fraud, if you ask me.

Here are my pictures from last week’s photo shoot with In Utah This Week, which currently appear on their website under the misleading headline, “Sexy in SLC: Ryan Shattuck.”

 

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I was chosen, but I sincerely doubt that democracy played any part of it. Choosing ME as the “Sexy in SLC?!” Oh please. That’s about as likely as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad winning a presidential reelection (rim shot). In fact, I’m planning on turning my Twitter avatar green, in protest.

That’s what a real revolutionary would do.

“Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Added to Hash Dictionary

Fellow revolutionaries:

One of the most reliable online resources we have in our country nay, the world nay, the universe nay, the country, is Wikipedia: the Online Encyclopedia of Everything. If it doesn’t exist on Wikipedia, then it doesn’t exist™. Unless you want to open an account and make it exist™.

But do you know what the second most reliable online resource is in our country? None other than Hash Dictionary: A Dictionary for Twitter.

For those of you who don’t use Twitter and live in 1837 (haha, cause you’re old!), I will explain what a “hash” is, more commonly known as “hash tags” or “hash marks” or “hash browns.” They are a word or word(s) added to the end of a tweet and… screw it. It’s too confusing to explain it. Just look it up yourself. Be an adult and take responsibility for once in your life.

Sheesh.

In any case, I am proud to announce that my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! has officially received its own hash tag on Twitter, and its own entry in Hash Dictionary! From here on out, any tweets referring to Revolutions for Fun and Profit! shall use the official® hash tag: #RFFAP.

According to the entry for RFFAP on Hash Dictionary:

Associated with the 2009 book “Revolutions for Fun and Profit” by Ryan Shattuck (@ryanmer).

The book is a satirical guidebook to aspiring revolutionaries, including tips, fun facts, and everything one needs to know in order to start their own revolution.

It is also the single greatest achievement of Ryan Shattuck to date, including but not limited to the Regal Seagull, his career as a stand-up comedian, and that time he said he liked to read by candlelight so that when he was done he could just blow out the light and wouldn’t have to get up to flip the switch.

The hashtag #RFFAP is used to refer to the book, as well as to Ryan Shattuck himself, anything deemed “revolutionary”, witticisms, reality television, the crisis in Darfur, and hipsters.

Pretty accurate, if you ask me.

Update on Yesterday’s Revolutionary Photo Shoot

Fellow revolutionaries:

As I mentioned earlier in the week, I had a MYSTERIOUS photo shoot yesterday for a publication-that-shall-not-be-named (In Utah This Week). I haven’t received the pictures yet, but here’s a sneak preview at how I dressed for the photo shoot. As you can see, I decided to just dress casually, as I might on any regular day of the week:

I know. I know. I’ve gained little bit of weight. Maybe it’s all that sparkling Jack Daniels I’ve been drinking.

Although the photo shoot went okay, what I was not anticipating was being interviewed for tv. They ambushed me! As I specifically mentioned in Chapter 7 of my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit:

“Revolutionaries do not want people to keep records about them . . . Having fame and fortune may come with its challenges, but none more so than living under the watchful eye of the press and paparazzi. Once you become a famous revolutionary, everyone will want to know who you’re dating, or what the next project you’re working on is, or what are you in rehab for this time, or why you haven’t adopted a baby from Africa like everyone else. And you don’t need that kind of pressure.”

And I don’t need that kind of pressure.

So fellow revolutionaries, don’t keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming tv appearance. I know you’re disappointed, but as a revolutionary, I am not allowed to tell you.

Stephen Colbert Puts “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” on Notice

My friend Kristen sent me this picture yesterday, of Stephen Colbert putting my book Revolutions for Fun and Profit! on notice. The picture is a screenshot of The Colbert Report, which she took with her screenshooting camera. I don’t know how I missed this episode, but it doesn’t matter… my book was mentioned on The Colbert Report!! My book was threatened by Stephen Colbert!! My book is going to sell a million a lot of copies!!

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Are you sure that picture isn’t fake?” Absolutely! Of course this picture is real! How dare you even suggest that this picture is fabricated. Are you really so cynical as to believe that people manipulate pictures on the internet? What’s next, are you going to tell me that the dog dies at the end of Turner & Hooch?

Don’t be ridiculous.

(picture via You’re on Notice)