Archive for November, 2009

“Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” Declares Jihad on the AFA and Christmas

Posted in Revolutionary American Family Association, Revolutionary Bill O'Reilly, Revolutionary Holiday, Revolutionary Jihad, Revolutionary Publicity Stunt, Revolutionary War on Christmas on November 30, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

It is the policy of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com to not take a stance when it comes to political issues (see: section 3, paragraph 7 of the policy & procedures manual). I wrote Revolutions for Fun and Profit! to instruct aspiring revolutionaries in how to start a revolution, but it was never my intention to tell people which revolution they should or should not be starting or not starting. In this regard, my book is a lot like the Bible. The Bible tells you how you should sell your daughter into slavery, but it doesn’t tell you which daughter you should sell (hint: the overweight red-haired one).

That having been said, RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com is officially releasing the following statement:

I am officially declaring jihad on Bill O’Reilly, the American Family Association, and, most importantly, Christmas.

AFA

Now I’m assuming that this sudden announcement has caught a lot of you both off guard and on guard. Understandably, you have a lot of questions, such as “What is a jihad?” and “Why are you declaring it on little ol’ Christmas?”

To answer your first question: I don’t know. I think I heard I heard the word “jihad” on the news or something. To answer your second question: I am declaring jihad on Christmas because you should always stand for something you believe in (unless you’re a quadriplegic).

I believe that Christmas is a great holiday. But is it revolutionary? Not really. Has Christmas ever worn a Che Guevara beret? No. Has Christmas ever deposed the head of government? No. Has Christmas ever transitioned from a theocracy to a monarchy to a democracy within the span of only 24 hours? No. Christmas is not revolutionary. And revolutionaries should only, only celebrate revolutionary holidays.

There you have it. This website WILL NOT be celebrating Christmas. Hey American Family Association, you think that The Gap is a Christmas-hating, winter solstice-loving pagan? Then you’ve obviously never heard of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com, who is more of a Christmas-hating, winter solstice-loving pagan than anyone else!

But seriously, American Family Association, have you never heard of RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com?

And to those who think I am trying to get the American Family Association to boycott my book as a publicity stunt to sell more books, I say Merry Christmas you are wrong!

3 Revolutionary Ways to Prevent Unwanted Babies

Posted in Revolutionary Axe, Revolutionary Birth Control, Revolutionary David Sedaris, Revolutionary Google Images, Revolutionary Your Mom on November 28, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

POP QUIZ!

What do the following three items have in common, aside from the obvious?

  • An axe
  • David Sedaris
  • Birth control

Answer: Doing a search for any of these three items on Google Images leads you to my site, RevolutionsForFunAndProfit.com.

Bonus Answer: All three items prevent unwanted pregnancies.

I recently noticed a spike in traffic to my blog and after a little investigating (that magnifying glass finally came in handy), I discovered that:

When doing a search on Google Images for “axe,” my website is the second to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “David Sedaris,” my website is the second to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “birth control,” my website is the eighth to be listed:

When doing a search on Google Images for “revolution,” my website doesn’t appear at all.

The Secret Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Posted in Revolutionary Black Friday, Revolutionary Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, Revolutionary Catholic Church, Revolutionary Door-Busting Holiday Sales, Revolutionary Thanksgiving, Revolutionary Wal-Mart on November 27, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Today is BLACK FRIDAY, otherwise known as the beginning of the holiday shopping season. But do you know how Black Friday came into existence? Before you get trapped by the Black Friday sales that will both entice, in-tice, and out-tice you to part with your money, be sure to first learn about Black Friday’s brief yet revolutionary history.

The Revolutionary History of “Black Friday”

Black Friday was founded in 1348 by Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, a portly man who lived with a harem of under aged midget prostitutes (they didn’t always have the same midget child labor laws that we have today). Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu, who went by the nickname “Richy Dick” because of his enormous wealth and his abnormally large ankles, was not only a senior ecclesiastical official in the Catholic Church, but was also an assistant manager at the Wal-Mart on Harrison Avenue in Kearny, New Jersey.

After a few years, Richy Dick began to notice an emerging and alarming trend: both Protestants and Scientologists, arm-in-arm, would often stop by their neighborhood Target stores the day after Thanksgiving, in order to recover from their tryptophan-laced Thanksgiving meal of turkey and sleeping pills. This is when he began to concoct a plan – one which would turn out to be his most lethal plan ever (well, if you don’t count the ‘shooting a bow & arrow while receiving electroshock therapy’ plan).

Teaming up with scientists and diseaseologists from around the world, Richy Dick, who went by the nickname “Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu,” unleashed a bacterium upon the unsuspecting public which would later be come to known as the Black Death, or Yersinia Pestis for short. The Black Death ended up wiping out one-third of the European population between 1347 and 1353, and brought to an immediate end the tradition of Protestants and Scientologists visiting Target stores the day after Thanksgiving.

In honor of Cardinal Armand Jean du Plessis de Richelieu’s contribution in eradicating a third of the population with the Black Death, Wal-Mart declared that the Friday after every Thanksgiving would be named “Black Friday.” The holiday was later christened in 1407 by Pope Gregory XII, who declared that the holiday would be celebrated with “door-busting holiday sales” and “lots and lots of deaths.”

Now that you know the history of Black Friday, don’t forget to purchase the Best Holiday Gift of All™.

Happy Revolutionary Thanksgiving!

Posted in Revolutionary Holiday, Revolutionary Thanksgiving, Revolutionary Turkey on November 26, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone! Be sure to do something revolutionary to celebrate – like overrun the government, or pass out from too much tryptophan.

What Inspired This Revolutionary Billboard?

Posted in Revolutionary Billboard, Revolutionary Crazy Pants, Revolutionary Libertarian on November 25, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

It looks like my book, Revolutions for Fun and Profit! is finally starting to catch on! How else would you explain the following billboard, which recently appeared in Missouri?

Now sure, it’s possible that this billboard was erected by a paranoid Glenn Beck-listening, racist gun-toting, conspiracy theory-believing libertarian, who believes that health care reform is the “beast” as foretold in the Book of Revelations.

But doesn’t it make more sense to assume that the person who erected this billboard was inspired by my book?

Meet the Author of “Revolutions for Fun and Profit!” at Barnes & Noble

Posted in Revolutionary Barnes & Noble, Revolutionary Book Signing, Revolutionary Bookseller, Revolutionary Bookstore on November 24, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

There are basically two ways to meet me:

1.) Stalk me outside of my apartment window.
2.) Come to my book signing at Barnes & Noble in Layton on December 3rd.

If you happen to be in Layton, Utah on December 3rd and have nothing to do between the hours of 6:00 and 8:00 pm, why not stop by and say hello? And have me sign your book? And buy half a dozen copies while you’re at it? No, seriously.

Here’s what you need to know:

Meet the Author of Revolutions for Fun and Profit!
December 3rd, 2009
6:00-8:00 pm

Barnes & Noble Booksellers
Layton Market Center
1780 N. Woodland Park Drive
Layton, UT 84041

Floss your teeth at least once a day

I hope to see you there!

I also hope you stop peeping through my bedroom window, because I’m about to file a restraining order.

Thank You for the Honor, But There Is No Such Thing as a “Sexy” Revolutionary

Posted in Revolutionary In Utah This Week, Revolutionary Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Revolutionary Photo Shoot, Revolutionary Photoshopped Picture, Revolutionary Pictures, Revolutionary Sexy in SLC, Revolutionary Voter Fraud on November 23, 2009 by Ryan Shattuck

Fellow revolutionaries:

Well, it’s official. I am apparently the sexiest person in all of Salt Lake City for the entire week. I know! It doesn’t make sense to me either. The whole situation smells like voter fraud, if you ask me.

Here are my pictures from last week’s photo shoot with In Utah This Week, which currently appear on their website under the misleading headline, “Sexy in SLC: Ryan Shattuck.”

 

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I was chosen, but I sincerely doubt that democracy played any part of it. Choosing ME as the “Sexy in SLC?!” Oh please. That’s about as likely as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad winning a presidential reelection (rim shot). In fact, I’m planning on turning my Twitter avatar green, in protest.

That’s what a real revolutionary would do.